Hey Arnold! Season 6: Suzie Come Home
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Since Suzie left grocery shopping over a year ago, Oskar has just scraped by while eagerly awaiting her return. When she finally comes back to the Sunset Arms, she brings with her an unwanted dose of reality.
1. Pigeons and Poker Faces

_**I've been wanting to write an Oskar story for a while… he's kind of the worst person ever, but also strangely endearing at the same time. He's just so pathetically helpless that every time he takes some small baby steps towards becoming a self reliant individual... well, if anything he always felt like a cautionary character. As a somewhat lazy teenager I was always terrified of the prospect of turning out anything like Oksar so...**_

_**Of course I can't help but turn it into a partially Helga-centric story. This story takes place during her time living at the boarding house following 'Miriam Under the Table,' so she's around witnessing Oskar and Suzie's marital issues.**_

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Chapter One: Pigeons and Poker Faces

Standing atop of the roof of the Sunset Arms boarding house, Arnold held in his hands a pigeon he had nursed back to health over the past few days. He'd found it looking somewhat sickly and downtrodden, but after utilizing all the knowledge he'd once gained from Vincent the infamous 'Pigeon Man,' he felt reasonably confident that he'd done right by this bird. With time, patience and the right berries the little grey feathered guest on the rooftop had grown fit and ready to fly again.

The only problem holding Arnold back now was the affinity he now felt for this bird, just as he'd once felt for his own trio of pigeons that he had trained as carriers back when he was just a fourth grader. Lester, Fester and Chester had long since flown the coop, possibly when Vincent had left the city, but Arnold still often fed his rooftop inhabitants, and even bonded with them when he had the time. Something about this particular bird felt different to him than others in the past however; Arnold felt a true almost paternal connection with it, and moreover he sensed that the bird itself looked at him through the eyes of love. Arnold was still very young in the grand scheme, and so too was this pigeon, but Arnold possessed enough wisdom to know birds were meant to fly free and not be coddled by human hands forever.

"Clear skies for takeoff, Esther." he said to the bird, "Today's a good day for it. Look! There go all your friends."

He gestured to a flock of pigeons fluttering by, but as Esther looked at her own kind she looked almost sad, and then she fixed Arnold with the same sad set of eyes.

"Hey, you can always come back and visit. The roof is always open." Arnold said, "I know you feel like the world is a big scary place, but there's so much wonderment and adventure out there too… especially if you can fly."

Esther still looked hesitant and unwilling to leave Arnold's gentle hands.

"I know, letting go can be tough. It's hard for me too… I'm real fond of you, but when you care about someone you also have to know when it's right to let them go." he said with a smile, "If I were more selfish I'd just keep you here, but letting you go is better. I've had a great time with you this week… you know, sometimes it's just easier to talk to birds than people. Maybe some people think I'm kinda crazy and… yeah, I probably am, but I don't think anyone in this crazy town can point fingers. But trust me, you'll be much happier flying around the city than just listening to me talk all day."

He gently pet the bird on her head, causing her to coo not unlike a cat's purr. Arnold smiled and lifted her up towards the sky.

"Now or never, fly!" he encouraged Esther, and with a beating of her wings she took off skyward, circling around the rooftop and then she fluttered out of sight. Arnold smiled as he watched her fly away, and now despite what he'd told the bird he figured it was time to spend a little more time around people for a change. One person in particular stuck out in Arnold's mind at the moment.

Since Helga had taken up refuge at the boarding house, Arnold had done everything in his power to try to lift her spirits, but she didn't fully appreciate his fondness for the pigeons atop the roof and so he occasionally just snuck away and kept his little hobby mostly secret. Mostly. Keeping secrets from Helga wasn't humanly possible, especially for Arnold himself. As he thought about her however, Arnold came to the realization that he had no idea where she was. With a shrug of his shoulders, he opened a glass panel and began climbing down the stairs back into his room, ready to begin his search. He knew his girlfriend to be an irrepressible troublemaker even at her best, and figured he should at least check up on her.

Meanwhile, daggers shot between the eyes of two card players in the basement. The stakes were roughly as high as the tension in the room, and the two players could feel all spectating eyes boring into the back of their heads. Oskar Kokoschka, not the celebrated and better known artist who shared his name, but a shady idler gifted only in flying by the seat of his pants, glanced at his cards with slipping enthusiasm. He'd lost his poker face throughout the course of this game, and they weren't even playing poker. He was only one ace of diamonds away from gin, and while he could take the risk and just knock now he wouldn't win nearly as much if he just held out long enough for that last big meld. Oskar was an adept card player, among his few great skills in life, and normally one to take whatever tactic it took to win, but after being caught cheating just one too many times by the wrong opponents he actually adopted some small sense of caution, not wishing to run up any medical bills on top of the rent money he was trying to win.

The other boarders all knew better than to play this man for money; it was a lose lose scenario, since Oskar was crafty enough to win much of the time, but whenever they beat him they knew he'd never cough up their winnings. The most recent addition to the cast of colorful characters dwelling in the old boarding house had no such compunctions however, and Oskar felt confident enough he could at least beat a twelve year old girl at cards.

That had been his thought going into this game at least, but now on the third round he'd only won one of the previous games just barely. The girl had eyes like a hawk, and the glare she fixed him with somehow instilled him with a stronger fear than most mafioso men he'd encountered in the past. He dared not cheat against this oddly terrifying girl, whose thick monobrow only enhanced her already foreboding glare. With a bubble gum cigar firmly clamped between her clenched teeth, the girl finally groaned in frustration.

"So…?" she asked.

Oskar had been so fixated on how afraid he felt of the girl that he failed to realize what she was even talking about.

"What?" he asked, in his thick Czech accent.

"So? Deck or discard?" she gestured to the card she had just discarded and then to the deck as she snapped her fingers impatiently, "Come on, come on, I don't have all day, beardo."

Watching form the sidelines, Ernie Potts and Mr. Hyunh snickered to themselves, gaining more enjoyment than they should have from watching Oskar squirm. Sadly watching Oskar lose at cards to a young girl the most entertaining spectacle around the boarding house today with its elderly and kooky proprietors out and about.

"Don't keep Helga waiting," Ernie laughed, "The kid's a poet with her fist…"

Helga clenched up her fist and cracked her knuckles to confirm just this. She grinned threateningly as she sensed Oskar losing his focus and confidence with his hand. She had been playing with a fairly straight poker face up until now, but as Oskar started to fall apart she began relishing the game noticeably.

"I uh…" Oskar tried to stall, but then he made a grab for the deck, and drew a king of hearts, "King me!" he blurted by mistake, "I mean… um… yes, just the card I needed for an easy win. This is too easy… yes, you play like a little girl, little girl."

Unfazed, Helga shot back, "And you play like a washed up little weasel who's about to lose it all… for what that's worth. Not much, I wager."

Now Oskar had to discard. Helga had gotten inside his head and he hadn't been keeping track of what cards she had been picking up. This game had gone all wrong, and as he glanced at his trembling hand of cards he realized he had held onto too many cards longer than he needed them. He needed to make a decisive move soon, despite the risk. Rather than going down, he threw down the king he had drawn, figuring at this stage in the game it would be reckless for a player to be holding onto face cards.

No such luck. Helga's face lit up and she grabbed for his discarded king and slammed a face down card onto the table.

"Gin." she said smugly, and then laid out her three melds, one now completed as a run of four kings. The other boarders cheered as Oskar sank into his chair. He had just lost two out of three games, which had been their original bet. However, even if he was a lazy man when it came to honest work, Oskar remained tenacious enough never to admit defeat.

"Aw… best four out of five?" he urged.

"No dice." Helga refused.

"I know there are no dice, this is Gin Rummy we are talking about, you little shark. Come on! Just two more rounds, or are you afraid that I will make a big comeback?"

"I prefer to quit while I'm ahead, bucko." she said, caressing the bubble gum cigar in her mouth, "I beat ya fair and square at a game for old ladies, now cough up the cash."

Oskar pulled out his pockets to reveal them to be empty. Helga just shook her head disapprovingly.

"I'll take the shirt off your back." she laughed, "Better than nothing. Well actually, no it might not be…"

From atop the basement steps the group could now hear footsteps descending towards them. They all looked to see Arnold approaching with a concerned look on his face.

"Helga?" he asked, "What are you doing?"

Helga began chewing on her gum cigar and just smiled at him smugly.

"Just trying to help out around the house." she said, "While you're hanging around with birds on the roof I'm trying to help out our neighbor here."

Arnold looked at the card table and knew Helga had to be skewing the truth, especially if Oskar was involved.

"Helping?" he asked skeptically.

"Yeah." Helga nodded, "He needed money for rent, and I gave him a chance to earn it. Tried my best, but I'm just too good at cards. Oh well."

"Do you even have enough money to cover his rent?" Arnold asked.

"Nope." she admitted, "And neither did he. Key difference? I won, so I'll take that fifty bucks in installments, beardo."

Arnold glared at Oskar.

"Oskar? You're really trying to win money by playing Helga at cards?" he admonished.

"Rent is due, and I feel compelled to pay it on time or at least within the first half of the month this time." Oskar whined, "Being a responsible adult is hard, Arnold. Some day you will understand what it's like…"

"Responsible adult? You? Oh man…" Ernie laughed, "Your girlfriend completely wiped the floor with this bum, Arnold. You shoulda been here."

"Yes, very much." Mr. Hyunh agreed as the two of them stood up to leave, "Watching Oskar lose, always very funny."

Oskar's face sank. He was accustomed to the other boarders deriding him for being a loser, and this time it just felt even worse to lose to young Helga. As he looked at Helga smugly sucking on the gum cigar like an actual smoke he felt a sudden rush of anger.

"It's not fair… she doesn't even pay rent around here!" Oskar whined, "Arnold? Why can't your mom and dad adopt me too?"

Arnold's parents hadn't actually adopted her, but that did look to be the case to outsiders looking in on occasion. Helga just laughed and then put on a forced innocent smile.

"Because I'm just an adorable lost little child." she said coyly, "Whereas you are a decidedly not adorable grown up child."

"So what? I just put on a little pink dress and they will think I am adorable too." Oskar shot back.

Helga raised her fist in Oskar's face and growled at him.

"I'll show you adorable…" she hissed, "Let me introduce you to Old Betsy, she works in collections and wants a word with you…"

Oskar shrank back as the girl intimidated him with ease. Helga then just laughed and lowered her fist.

"Ah forget it," she said as she stood up to leave, "I knew going into this bet that you weren't good for it. Come on, Arnold. Let's go do something. I'm done with this granny game. But please, let me know when you wanna lose again, bucko."

Helga stomped off towards the stairs as Arnold watched her go. He then looked to Oskar and sighed. The man's greatest accomplishment in life had been getting the eternally kind and patient Arnold to call him a 'huge loser' once, and since his wife had walked out just over a year ago no one was exactly sure how or why he was still able to live here. Arnold just shook his head and followed after Helga, leaving Oskar alone in the basement.

"Oh… life was so much easier before Suzie went on her errand last year…" Oskar bemoaned. "Back when I had her around to take care of all the little things that I am too busy for…"

At the top of the stairs, Helga stood with her arms crossed, still looking hugely satisfied with herself much to Arnold's annoyance.

"You shouldn't gamble… especially not with someone like Oskar." Arnold warned, "You never know what he's mixed up in…"

Helga waved her hand dismissively, "Please, you think I even have it in me to lose to a guy like that? I'm amazed he ever makes enough playing the ponies to afford living in this dump."

Arnold gave her a look, causing her to smile uncomfortably.

"This charming, wonderful dump." she corrected.

"Nice save, I guess…" Arnold sighed. "So, what do you wanna do now?"

Helga gave Arnold a rather mischievous and inviting smile as she gestured her head up the stairs.

"Oh, you know… just go 'hang out' in your room for a while." she said with a grin. "I bet we can think of all sorts of-"

Suddenly a knock at the door interrupted the eager girl. Arnold turned his attention to the door and walked over to answer it, and when he pried it open he found himself looking at a familiar face no one around the boarding house had seen for some time now.

"Hey, Arnold." the woman said with a somewhat forced smile.

"Mrs. Kokoschka!" Arnold gasped in surprise.

"Huh?" Helga scratched her head, "Wait, don't tell me this is the one that Oskar-"

"Suzie!" Oskar's voice from behind them cried out for joy as he ran towards the door, "You are finally home from the grocery store! I am so happy to- wait a minute… where are the groceries?"

Oskar stared at his long absent wife who similarly looked at him with the same skeptical look, only with much more anger and resentment seething beneath the surface. Everyone else too stared at Oskar. They all knew him to be a pathetic whiner and a no account bum, but he never came across as completely stupid. If he actually thought Suzie had been shopping this entire time then apparently he'd proved them wrong.

"You have been out shopping for almost a year now and you come back with no groceries?" Oskar whined, "Suzie, why? I am hungry… do you know what I have had to do since you-"

"Oskar." Suzie said sharply, but without shouting, which shut her husband up quickly, "I brought you something."

Oskar's face lit up again, "You did? Oh, Suzie how could I ever doubt you? It must be so big you cannot carry it yourself and need me to-"

Suzie then pulled out a collection of papers and shoved them into his chest, causing everyone in the room to fall deathly silent.

"I just need you to sign these." she said coldly, "And then I'll just be on my way again."

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_**Okay, so 'Suzie' constantly gets autocorrected to 'Susie.' I'm already annoyed at having had to write her name more than once…**_

_**Gin Rummy is about the only card game I can play. Not as badass as poker for sure, but there's still something kinda funny about Helga and Oskar playing for money at a game I always played my grandparents at… to me anyway.**_


	2. Suzie Came Home?

_**I had to rewatch a lot of Oskar episodes in researching this story. I think what makes his character endearing despite being objectively not a good person is just how genuinely childlike he is. He's a selfish jerk, yes, but in the way a kid who hasn't been properly socialized would be and just doesn't know how else to be. He also comes off as a man who genuinely tries to be a friendly and likable presence, but just tragically possesses a bare minimum of self awareness for how socially unacceptable his behavior is.**_

_**Up there with Grandpa and Helga, Oskar is also among the funniest characters on the show which just makes him all the more likable from an audience standpoint at least. Any episode centering on his character depicts him as a selfish mooch, but whenever he hits a low point he shows potential for change and reveals that he's smarter and more adept than even he knows, and a lot of his issues kind of boil down to a lack of belief in himself. Crap… realizing just how much I sympathize with the guy. Whenever I write these stories centering on specific characters I always have to try to understand them and by extension try to sympathize with them so… yeah, it's depressing to find so much of yourself in Oskar in you****r**** thirties…**_

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Chapter 2: Suzie Came Home?

Arnold, Helga and especially Oskar stood in silent shock. Despite just being kids, Arnold and Helga fully understood the gravity of the situation, and much more so than Oskar himself apparently did.

"Mrs. Kokoshka?" Arnold asked, and he then feebly attempted to dispel the tension, "It's great to see you. Where have you been?"

"At the grocery store, she must have gotten lost." Oskar said, "I was finally about to send out a search team, and now here you are! What good fortune! It's a miracle!"

Suzie was completely unmoved by Oskar and ignored him. She at least treated Arnold with a friendly smile. The two of them had always gotten along royally despite Suzie's frequent flustered moods related to being overworked and married to a human leech, and an especially insensitive one at that.

"Hey, Arnold." She said warmly, "I've been staying with my cousin Nancy. Just working and doing a lot of thinking…"

Oskar twiddled this thumbs and smiled forcibly at Suzie.

"Thinking is… good?" Oskar spoke hesitantly, "Unless your cousin has been putting bad ideas into your head again..."

Suzie turned her attention back to him with a hardened look of stone. Oskar's award smile couldn't withstand the hard glare from his wife and he just started to shrink where he stood.

"As I said…" Suzie said with quiet intensity, "I just need you to sign those papers."

The middle aged man child squinted his eyes as he looked at the papers Suzie had forcibly shoved at him a moment ago and tried to sound out the words printed.

"D-d-dividends?" Oskar attempted. "What good fortune, Suzie! Finally we will be able to live the lives we deserve and not have to work so hard all of the time!"

Suzie groaned and shook her head, still no less frustrated with Oskar since the day she met him.

"You know exactly what it says, Oskar." she said.

"But I… I can't read, remember?" Oskar responded coyly.

"Arnold taught you." Suzie huffed, "Don't think I've forgotten."

Oskar looked at Arnold with some small amount of resentment in his eyes.

"Oh great… thanks a lot Arnold, why did you have to teach me to read? Now I can't even use illiteracy as an excuse anymore…" Oskar whined, "Suzie? How can you just throw away our many years of happy marriage?"

"You don't even remember how many years we've been married, do you?" Suzie challenged.

"Of course I do, how could you even make such a-"

"How many years?" Suzie pressed.

"Um… what year is it right now?" Oskar asked.

"Kind of a grey area…" Helga murmured in Arnold's ear.

Oskar now just evaded the question like a pro, not that his answer would have mattered anyway.

"Oh, it doesn't matter… I love you so much Suzie it cannot be quantified by the years. What matters is that you are home safe now and we can go on with our lives-"

"You're absolutely right, Oskar." Suzie said.

"Suzie please, just listen- wait, did you say I'm absolutely right?" Oskar asked, "I never thought I'd hear you say such a thing… it's about time."

"You're absolutely right that it's time to go on with our lives." Suzie said, confidence brimming in her voice again, "I've had a long time to think about this, and I've decided that I'm done. You've been using me for years just so you can get by doing as little as possible! And like an idiot I just forgave you over and over again, but I'm finally done being married to someone who just wanted a maid instead of an actual partner!"

As she spoke she sounded as if she were quoting someone else; likely the advice she had gotten from her cousin in all this time.

"That's not true, I never wanted you to be my maid." Oskar said, "I would have to pay a maid. You do everything for free-"

"Oskar!" Suzie shut him up as Helga just watched with her jaw agape.

"Man… and I thought _Bob_ needed some sensitivity training…" she murmured to herself. "These two don't even have kids... what was their excuse for staying together this long?"

Arnold meanwhile looked painfully uncomfortable. Normally the type to act as a calming voice of reason, he realized this had been a long time coming and as painful as this scene was for him to watch he knew he had no business butting in.

Oskar kept pleading, "Suzie? Wait, let's talk about this before we do anything hasty…"

"Hasty? The only hasty thing I did was marrying you in the first place! I can't even remember what I ever saw in you!" Suzie said defiantly.

"Oh Suzie, I remember. It was uh… my alluring accent, my incomparable charm, my musicianship, and you always loved how I can quack like a duck like no one else can."

To everyone's surprise, the seemingly resolute fire in Suzie's eyes subsided somewhat, and then she sighed heavily, dropping her angry expression altogether and looked at her husband with genuine regret and sorrow. Helga and Arnold's eyes darted back and forth, as they both wondered if they should even still be privy to this coming exchange.

"Oskar…" Suzie said tentatively, "Yes… you were charming in some way that I can't even explain to myself or anyone else. And even when you were selfish, lazy, and undependable… there were always those moments when it seemed like I was seeing the real you; getting an actual job, learning to read, taking care of Nancy's baby, those little moments when you showed enough promise that you could change…."

"Change?" Oskar nodded eagerly, "Oh Suzie, it's not too late, I can still change. Watch! I will quit my job as executive paper boy- oh! I got promoted, I forgot to tell you… and I will stop being such a workaholic and spend more time here at home with you."

"Oskar!" Suzie shouted, "You know full well being a workaholic was never even close to what your problem is!"

Oskar shrugged, "Okay, yes I admit it, sometimes I was just a little too forgiving of you. You were always letting me be lazy, and you didn't motivate me enough to-"

Suzie at last bursted into tears in front of everyone. Arnold walked over towards her, ready to attempt to offer comfort but Suzie quickly clenched her fist and wiped away her tears furiously.

"You'll never change, Oskar…" Suzie's voice was fraught with a mixture of anger and sadness, "I always want to believe you can, but you can't." She marched up to her soon to be ex husband and poked at the papers in his hands.

"Just sign them." she said, "Just sign them and let's be done with all this!"

"But Suzie, I cannot afford to get a divorce…. hey, wait a minute, what about the alimony? Do I get some of that?" Oskar asked, now sounding semi interested.

"I know a good lawyer." Suzie warned, "You're not getting another penny out of me for the rest of your life! You're a no account bum that I've busted my own butt for and no judge would ever side with you!"

"Okay, that's fair… but did you sign a prenup?" Oskar asked. "I don't think you did… can I at least have some of your things? I could probably get something for your earrings."

Suzie just groaned in hopeless resignation.

"Oskar, you're just proving my point with every word out of your mouth." she said sternly, "You've only ever cared about yourself. You had your moments when I thought you were better than this, but they just never last. I can't do this anymore…"

Oskar looked down at the papers and then back at Suzie with a sad longing look on his face. His sheer pathetic emptiness gained him an ounce of sympathy from Arnold and even Helga, but as per usual he ruined it.

"Okay… I will consider but this is a very big decision. It's hard to make decisions on an empty stomach, so if you make me a sandwich I will consider signing."

"Oskar!" Suzie snapped.

"What?" Oskar asked, "I miss your sandwiches… Stella makes very tasty ones too, but they are not made with love like yours. Nothing compares with-"

"Stella?" Suzie asked in confusion.

Arnold's eyes widened as he realized Suzie had missed out on some fairly significant changes during her absence.

"Yes, the new landlady." Oskar said, "Grandma and grandpa retired and now-"

"Wait? Stella?" Suzie repeated, "You mean-"

"What's with all the shouting?" another voice came as if on cue from the dinning room. Out stepped Arnold's mother Stella Shortman, who quickly locked eyes with Suzie.

"No…" Suzie uttered in disbelief, and then turned her head in Arnold's direction, "I've… been away longer than I thought haven't I?"

Arnold smiled awkwardly, "We uh, had a pretty crazy summer last year."

"I know, I stubbed my toe while all of you were off in South America looking for your mom and dad, so there was no one around to make me feel better…" Oskar whined. "How can you live with yourself?"

As if not even hearing Oskar, Suzie just looked at Stella, as if back from the dead in utter bewilderment. As the shock slowly wore off however, bellows of laughter started to sound from her.

"You're… you're really back? And Miles too?" Suzie asked excitedly. "And you're… alive?"

Stella jokingly checked her own pulse, but then stared at Suzie again, as if trying to recall who she was. Stella and her husband had only lived in the boarding house for a short time before being called away again, and most of her attention had been spent minding one year old Arnold at the time. Yet as she looked at Suzie the memories at last clicked and her face lit up.

"Suzie!" Stella said at last, and took a step forward with open arms. Suzie accepted the invitation and joined in a hug with her. Arnold had no idea what his mother's relationship with Suzie had been like, and it never really occurred to him to wonder until now seeing the two of them so happy to see one another again. Oskar meanwhile saw their reunion as yet another opportunity to weasel out of trouble.

"It's so touching… everyone loves one another… we're all friends again." he said while tossing aside the divorce papers, "You see, Suzie? Miles and Stella made us an even bigger, happier non-traditional family and now we can all be happy and non-traditional together-"

Suzie shot Oskar another harsh glare which put a stopper in his mouth effortlessly. Oskar twiddled his thumbs and grinned sheepishly, but Suzie now appeared fortified against him.

"You've got paperwork to do, Oskar." she said warningly, "I know how slow you are at that, so I'll give you some time while Stella and I catch up."

Suzie then looked back at Stella with a warm smile and clasped her hands together.

"I just don't believe it… all these years. You've got to tell me everything!" she requested excitedly.

Stella smiled and nodded.

"Well, it's a pretty long story… though, I was asleep for most of it, so I guess it's not as long as you'd think." she said with a chuckle.

Oskar, Arnold and Helga watched as the two women walked over to the lounge area, leaving the rest of them in a quiet stupor. Oskar looked down at the divorce papers scattered on the floor and chuckled to himself.

"Oops. Ten second rule. If you don't pick it up in time it's not good to-"

"Eat." Helga said, "But they're not for you to eat, loser. They're to sign, assuming you can do that. Come on, Arnold. Back to whatever it was we weren't doing… how about we uh… write some poetry together?"

She smiled at him impishly and then beckoned with her finger for him to follow her back up to his room. Arnold turned slightly pink in response, looked at Oskar with an awkward smile, and then turned to follow his less than subtle girlfriend.

With Suzie and Stella happily reminiscing and catching up in the kitchen, Oskar stood alone and now pondered his next move.

"I have to do something…" he said, "Show her I can be the man she deserves. I'll show her! I'll show everyone! And I don't even need Arnold's help!"

With some newfound vigor and pep in his step, Oskar set off to do everything in his power to win back his wife's affection, before resorting to going to the resident do-gooder. If anything that alone would prove to Suzie he had some initiative.

Five minutes later, upstairs in Arnold's room Helga lay across the couch looking up at the skylight, searching the heavens above for inspiration. Arnold sat over on his bed with a pen in one hand and a notebook in the other. In the last few months she had grown more comfortable with sharing her endless gushy poetry that flowed effortlessly from her lips to the page, and now she felt close enough to him to let him take dictation. Arnold found most of her craft to be flattering, if occasionally bordering on slightly disturbing. As she watched birds flocking in the sky above, Helga at last felt inspiration strike.

"Arnold, my love for you flutters on feathered wings… once kept away in the cage of my heart, but now soars through the sky proudly above the world. Our love, flying majestically above lower earth bound facsimiles of love; the unearthly force of love reveals itself to us alone, modestly and without boast, pure and innocent… kiss me my love… that the gentle brush of your sweet lips may sweeten my bitter existence… oh…"

She sighed with a long dreamy swoon, but then as a few more short seconds passed by she scowled and looked over at Arnold who was busily scribbling down her words in his notebook.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Helga asked.

"I wrote it down…" Arnold said.

"That wasn't poetry. That was a command." she said with a grin as she patted the seat next to her. "C'mon, hot lips…"

Arnold tugged at his shirt collar and slowly tiptoed closer to her. As Helga puckered up, Arnold closed his eyes and leaned in close to her. With all the sudden violent and unwelcome force of a molotov cocktail being thrown through the window, the bedroom door bursted open.

"Arnold, you've got to help me!" Oskar wailed, "I tried everything I could think of, but nothing worked! If Suzie divorces me I will have nowhere to turn!"

Arnold and Helga leapt off the couch and cried out in their panic. Oskar had made it all of five minutes before giving up and coming to Arnold for help.

"Does no one knock in this dump!?" Helga shrieked. "Arnold? Tell him to get lost and come back later! Or better yet, skip the second half!"

Arnold didn't exactly care for Oskar's total lack of decorum, but he still couldn't completely ignore a plea for help even from the likes of Oskar. In some twisted way Oskar, much like the other boarders was like family to him, even if he had his own family nowadays Oskar managed to inspire certain paternal instincts within Arnold.

"Oh no…" Helga instantly noticed this on Arnold's face, "I see the wheels turning in that altruistic big head of yours. Arnold? Stay out of this one."

"Please Arnold!" Oskar begged, "Think of what would happen to me without Suzie to cover her half of the rent… or the whole thing! We would have to be roommates again, and believe me no one wants that less than I do."

"No..." Arnold said, "No I think there's at least one person who wants that less than you do..."

Arnold scratched his head as an obvious question preyed on his mind; the sort of question he should have asked about a year ago had he not been so preoccupied with his missing parents.

"Mr. Kokoshka? How have you been paying the rent all this time without Suzie?" he asked.

"Well, the long answer is that I've gotten very good at betting on the races and have been investing my money wisely as a shareholder in Future Tech Industries…" Oskar smiled as Arnold looked at him skeptically, then said, "…and the short answer is that I haven't been paying rent most of the time… and it's only a matter of time before your parents start to notice."

Owing to their ten year slumber in the jungles of Central America, Arnold's parents were understandably a little behind in certain areas, and with Grandpa and Grandma now officially 'retired,' it appeared Oskar had been able to slip through the cracks without paying rent for some time. This just added a whole new layer of sleaziness with him apparently taking advantage of them in such a manner.

"Sounds more like the dishonest and honest answers…" Arnold sighed.

"Dishonest? Arnold, what do you take me for, little buddy?" Oskar whined, "I'm the most honest and trustworthy person you know."

Arnold and Helga stared back at him with half lidid gazes, neither of them willing to dignify that with a response. Oskar quickly got the message.

"Okay, apart from all the other people you know, I'm the most honest and trustworthy." Oskar admitted.

Helga shook her head and placed her hands defiantly on her hips as she stared down at the man pathetically crouched on his knees before Arnold.

"Arnold?" Helga said wish some quiet intensity, "I know guys like this are good at appealing to your heart because you think they need help, but think of Suzie. She's the one who needs help here, getting away from him!"

"What do you mean? It's me who can't live without her…" Oskar said.

"Yeah, exactly." Helga admonished him, "You're a mooch!"

"You live for free in a boarding house that says 'no kids' and you are calling me the mooch?" Oskar countered.

"Totally different." Helga huffed. "My point stands. You only care about Suzie so long as she pays your bills."

"No, no, it's not true!" Oskar protested, "I don't care about the money, Suzie is the light of my life! I love her so much I can barely express it."

Helga snickered, "Well, you're not wrong on that count…"

"Who asked you?" Oskar shot back, "Arnold, I think your little girlfriend is corrupting you. You were always so nice and generous before she came along."

"Sounds like I'm doing my job then. Just because he's got a big stupid heart doesn't mean he has to be a total sap." Helga smiled smugly as she placed an arm around Arnold, then she said very sardonically, "You know us women, always changing our men."

Arnold chuckled lightly at that notion. Helga certainly was among the few number of people that could get even the slightest hint of a dark side out of him, but not to the point of majorly changing his mild mannered nature. What she said next however disturbed both him and Oskar.

"And next I'll shove my ovipositor through his nose, lay my eggs in his brain, and let my spawn take total control of him from the inside." Helga laughed, "Is that just how alien women are to you clowns?"

Arnold and Oskar blinked in silent shock.

"Well, not _that_ big a mystery." Arnold said.

"No, I think she might be telling the truth. Be careful Arnold…" Oskar warned, "Women are dangerous, it's true… just look what happened to me. I gave Suzie my heart, but all she wants from me is to pay my fair share of the bills or something… why can't she just live on my love while I live on her money?"

Arnold's eyes bored into Oskar, as if trying to dissect him and figure out exactly how sincerely he meant what he said. Even in a family scenario as non-traditional as the one Arnold grew up in, he knew full well that Oskar and Suzie's relationship ranked just below that of Helga's parents in the functional department, even if he'd grown up exposed to it as an every day occurrence. Now he searched Oskar's eyes, wondering if Oskar did in fact love his wife enough to make a sincere effort to change for her before it was too late. Of course, it was past too late now, but that didn't seem to matter to Oskar.

"Do you love her?" Arnold asked plainly, "Do you really, really love her?"

Oskar opened his mouth to answer without hesitation… but he hesitated, upon realizing that this wasn't the sort of question he could just idly respond to. After a few uncomfortable moments of quiet, Oskar at last nodded.

"Yes. Yes I really love her."

Helga rolled her eyes and slumped back down onto the couch, while Oskar's answer apparently satisfied Arnold enough for him to nod his head.

"Well then… okay, I'll help you think up some strategies, but this is something you really need to figure out for yourself." Arnold said.

"Oh don't worry, I have a great idea." Oskar said confidently, "The kind of idea that is always guaranteed to work."

"Oh." Arnold said with some relief, "Well, what's your idea?"

"Ask you for your help." Oskar smiled, and then let loose his usual little teehee laughter as Helga just groaned.

* * *

_**Some day I vow to write a fanfic in which Helga doesn't even feature… no I can't do that. It's impossible for me. She's the only reason I write HA! fan fiction in the first place… even if Oskar dialogue is a lot of fun, too.**_

_**Another one of those hazy timeline issues from the show here. Oskar is seen living at the boarding house when Miles and Stella moved in, but Suzie is nowhere to be seen, but in the episode Casa Paradiso Suzie reveals that they moved into the boarding house together as newlyweds… ah whatever, in my head canon she was around and just not featured in "The Journal," and therefore she would have met Miles and Stella, and I can't imagine them not getting along.**_

_**Fun fact most of you probably know: Suzie and Oskar are affectionate caricatures of Arlene Klasky and Gabor Csupo, the creators of Rugrats.**_

_**It occurred to me Oskar was turning a little Tommy Wiseau with his thoughts on women by the end of this chapter… combine that with the Slavic accent and dear god this is turning into the Hey Arnold! version of 'The Room.' What a terrible, terrible idea…**_

_**… …**_

_**Oh no, it's giving me ideas…**_

_**Well, favorite and review! Or Oskar will try to be your new roommate!**_


	3. A Fountain of Bad Ideas

_**Response to my reviewers… because that is a thing I do now apparently. I always thought using a PM worked fine, but you do get the occasional anonymous reviews and this is the only way to respond. I didn't get those this time so why start now? Well, like Oskar I'm gonna start trying to change.**_

_**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbah i: With sound logical reasoning like that the story would just come to an end. ;)**_

_**Kryten: Haha, that actually gives me an idea for a later exchange between characters…**_

_**HumanDictionary: It is pretty low, yeah. And that's what made him funny. To be fair, the first person who told me women change their men was a woman… why I was terrified to date in high school. Never got me into any MRA subreddits at least. I usually think of Oskar as slightly above Big Bob because he honestly comes across as someone stuck in a childlike state… not like a man child but someone who is legitimately stuck in the mindset of a petulant child, which gives him an element of tragedy… which Suzie always fell prey to… hmm…**_

_**EnvyTheSkunk: Nobody made that joke… but I'm using it now… XD**_

_**Anonymous Latino: Hmmmmmm… put a pin in those thoughts, they might come back… 0.o**_

_**starwater09: Thank you! I had the opposite reaction, sorta. As a kid I thought Oskar was just the worst and Suzie was a nice lady who was tragically stuck with him… the older I get the more I feel bad for Oskar (while still feeling bad for Suzie of course), while also seeing that he needs a pretty harsh dose of reality to shake him out of his behavior.**_

_**Em Pataki: I hear ya. She's pretty much my everything... and the other characters are my everything else.**_

* * *

Chapter 3: A Fountain of Bad Ideas

Downstairs in the lounge, Stella and Suzie had been joined by Miles, who with his wife recounted their adventures in San Lorenzo after their disappearance. Suzie listened on tender hooks, so entranced by the story she nearly forgot exactly why she had come back to the Sunset Arms in the first place. As Stella mentioned before, there hadn't been much to the story of their disappearance over a ten year period, but the beginning and ending of their story at least proved interesting.

"Asleep?" Suzie asked, "For ten whole years? Really?"

Miles and Stella both nodded.

"I mean… thank goodness it wasn't anything worse than that, but still… you must feel like you're in the distant future now, or something." Suzie said.

Miles pulled his smartphone from his pocket and looked at it with a perplexed look on his face.

"You're not far off…" he said.

Suzie got slightly emotional suddenly, for reasons neither Miles or Stella could detect. Suzie came out with it quickly however.

"I tried to be there for Arnold whenever I could." Suzie said, "All that time without you… oh, he was such a trooper, and such a good kid. You must be so proud of him."

"Hard not to be." Miles laughed. "We're trying our best not to spoil him now, but that's almost as hard as not being proud of him."

"Oh, I don't think anyone could spoil Arnold if they tried." Suzie said, but then she sighed, "Not like I did with that forty year old baby I married…"

"Huh?" Miles asked.

"Suzie came back to…" Stella tried to choose her words carefully, but she didn't need to.

"I gave Oskar divorce papers." Suzie said firmly, "It's over. I'm done. I'm moving on, and he needs to too. I'm just waiting around for him to sign them… which might take longer than I planned... well, enough with the negative, how have things around the boarding house been?"

"Same crazy place as always. Phil and Gertie 'retired,'" Stella said with air quotes, "So, now Miles and I are trying to run things for the most part."

"And of course we wondered about you and where you were." Miles added, "I mean, whenever you came up Oskar kept saying you went to the grocery store… and you'd be back soon. At the risk of sounding stupid, I don't think I ever completely believed that story… so, you finally came back to just pull the plug, huh?"

Suzie's eyes suddenly watered, and Stella elbowed Miles in the side to shush him. Apparently as a side effect of the sleeping sickness, the man had developed a habit of putting his foot in his mouth, and to her own chagrin, Stella had too, but she was often slightly more self aware about it. Slightly.

"Miles…" she said in a hushed tone.

"Sorry…" Miles shrugged sheepishly, "I mean, I know you probably thought he was wasting your life and all so-"

Suzie, apparently more fragile than she had been trying to let on, just broke down and started sobbing more abruptly than even Helga's sister Olga was capable of.

"Sorry, sorry!" Miles insisted as Stella rushed over to place an arm around the distraught woman, "Ever since getting out of the jungle I've had mint flavored shoes or something…"

Suzie got a hold of herself quickly and shook her head as she wiped away the tears.

"No, no…" she said firmly, "Sorry I've just been so… oh I can't believe this, after all this time I thought I was over it but I think I'm still conflicted!"

Miles and Stella looked at one another searchingly. They hadn't known Suzie and Oskar long, and in that brief window ten years ago they had seen them squabble a bit but their marriage hadn't gone completely sour just yet. Ten years had finally taken a toll on Suzie, emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually and probably any other number of ways. Upon her arrival today she had stood firm as a monument of determination and decisiveness, but the cracks had shown quickly, and clearly Suzie still held some affinity for Oskar even in the midst of trying to divorce him.

Both Miles and Stella wanted to offer her help, and yet they realized their own unusual but completely harmonious and symbiotic marriage left them with a unique handicap: they had no idea how to advise someone in Suzie's predicament.

"Sorry, Suzie," Miles said, "I mean, we're always eager to help but Stella and I are a little out of our element with something like this."

"Yeah… it's not that we don't care of course, but we just don't have much experience with… well what you've been through. Our own relationship is just too…" Stella fished for the right word.

"Perfect." Suzie said for her.

Miles and Stella smiled forcibly in their slight embarrassment. They had never had to feel ashamed or embarrassed on account of their seemingly impossibly perfect relationship up until this point, and it left them with a slightly sickly feeling inside. Seeing their discomfort, Suzie shook her head and smiled.

"Oh, don't worry." Suzie said, "I'm not comparing. There's nothing to compare. I'm done with Oskar…"

With her last words sounding unconvincing even to her, Suzie once again tightened her fists and pounded them lightly on the table as she gritted her teeth.

"No… no, I came here to end this and that's what I'm going to do… he's not worth it."

"If you don't mind my asking… why did you come in person?" Stella asked, "If you knew Oskar would just try to weasel out or… well, make you feel like this?"

Suzie sighed, but then her expression turned angry as she thought about exactly why she had come here.

"Because I knew if I just sent them by mail he'd ignore them. And more than that, I had to come here myself to… to make this real. I had to see him face to face to prove to myself that it was over… that I was over him… but I still have this stupid unshakeable sense of loyalty!"

Stella rubbed Suzie's shoulders reassuringly and tried to offer some kind of comfort.

"Being loyal isn't stupid…" she said, "I mean, to a point I suppose but still, you can't be hard on yourself for… well, loving him. I don't know the full scope of this so it's all up to you, don't let us butt in. If you still need to think about this now, even if it's gotten that bad I…. wow, this is a minefield."

"Oh, don't worry…" Suzie sighed, "I never thought I was this loyal, but I can still surprise myself apparently…"

"Hey you're not alone, Arnold's the same way." Miles added as he turned his head to his beloved Stella, "And he got that from his mother. She never gave up on me, which is pretty amazing considering the trouble that follows me around."

Stella smiled at him lovingly, saying, "You are worth every bit of trouble that comes with you." She kissed him on the cheek, but then realized being so demonstrably happy with her spouse in front of Suzie was about as unintentionally insensitive as she could be.

"Sorry." she offered a quick apology, but Suzie just looked at them in slight awe.

"Oh don't be." she sighed, "If anything it just gives me hope that I might find something more like what you have… with someone..."

Before they could continue down the uncomfortable road that point threatened to lead, the three of them were abruptly joined by Miles's father Phil.

"Hey, have either of you kids seen my glasses?" he asked, "Oh, that's right I don't wear any- hey, look! It's the good Kokoshka!" Phil laughed, "Thank goodness you're back! I've been trying to train these two, but they've been way too forgiving with Oskar paying the rent on his own installment plan. They're not even charging interest on-"

Despite his bringing up the topics of Oskar and rent, Suzie practically jumped out of her chair and flung her arms around the old man, much to his shock.

"Hey, watch it!" Phil chided, "Trying to give this old man a heart attack or something?"

"it's so good to see you, grandpa!" Suzie cried for joy.

"I'm not your grandpa!" Phil gently pushed her off, "I'm only grandpa to one person in this whole establishment, and yet everyone thinks they can just toss that word around like loose change."

Suzie chuckled, "And I'm glad to see you haven't changed."

"I did too!" Phil stated, "My clothes all just look the same, that's all… oh I see what you mean. Thought you were saying I used to smell or something back when- hey wait… what brought you back? Not Oskar I hope."

Suzie nodded, "He… did."

Phil sighed, "Well, that sadly figures. Too bad. I was betting on you. Better go give Ernie that twenty bucks he bet me that you'd eventually come crawling back to that lowlife… ah well, as long as you're paying the rent and all."

Suzie shrugged his teasing off, but insisted, "I won't be, sorry. I just need to stay here for a little while."

"You can stay here as long as you need to." Stella said warmly, "On the house."

Phil planted his fists on his waist and shook his head disparagingly at the notion.

"Son? The misses here is going to run this crummy dump out of business at the rate she's taking in duckers like this… first short man's girlfriend and now-"

"It won't be for long" Suzie insisted, "Besides, I used to live here. I was part of the family, right?"

"Yes, but we've got an actual family now, we don't have to keep pretending anymore." Phil chuckled, but upon seeing Suzie's lip quivering again he relented, "Alright, alright, you are Oskar's better half and all… funny, usually people say that sarcastically, but in your case I can't think of a better term."

"Well, I don't plan to be his better half for much longer." Suzie said, "I actually came back to get him to sign the uh, divorce-"

"Really?" Phil gasped as euphoria overtook him, "Oh that's wonderful! Well that changes everything! Miles? Get the king suite ready!" The old man dashed out of the room in his excitement, calling out down the hallway, "Hey, Ernie! Pay up! I won the bet!"

Meanwhile upstairs, after a good ten minutes of research online, Arnold presented his findings to Oskar in the hopes of giving him at least a nudge in the right direction. The uncanny feeling of responsibility he felt towards Oskar was a puzzle to him, but not one he dwelt on, whereas Helga just reacted with unbridled scorn. As she lay on the couch holding a magazine up over her face she groaned loudly.

"I'll just be over here, reading my mag while I wait for you to realize what a fool's errand you're on football head." she said, "Just spending a little quality time with myself here. Thought we could have a little of that together, but hey, helping out this underserving bloodsucker is an option too…"

"I'm just giving him a few ideas, that's all. We can go do something soon, I promise." Arnold said, and turned his attention back to his computer screen, "Let's see… according to what I read about trying to save a failing marriage-"

"Hey, let's not use the 'F' word." Oskar protested, "Come on Arnold, I thought you were optimistic?"

"Fine. To save your… somewhat less than perfect marriage, what I read suggested 'softening' towards your spouse."

"I don't know, Arnold." said Oskar, completely devoid of hope, "I don't think Suzie will ever soften."

Helga's palm abruptly met her face upon hearing this out of Oskar.

"It also says it's helpful to forgive." Arnold continued his list of suggestions.

"Okay. Easy." Oskar said, "I forgive her."

"_You_ forgive _her_?" Helga blurted.

"Yes, for always yelling at me to get a job or saying she was too busy to make me a sandwich. And then lying to me that she was going to the grocery store only to walk out on me for almost a year… I forgive her."

Helga almost did a face palm once again, but stopped herself and just groaned, "Nope. I'm going to run out of face palms at this rate. Are you just… a professional misser of points?"

"And you shouldn't pursue them… don't whine, beg, plead, cry…" Arnold kept reading pointlessly.

"A little late on that one, Football Head…" Helga snickered, "That's his entire modus operandi you just described…"

"Why does she have to be here, anyway?" Oskar moaned. "She's souring my spirits… I need optimism here if I'm going to trick Suzie into loving me again… I mean, force her to love me again… I mean… change my ways. That's what I was trying to say."

Arnold groaned, but realized Oskar was at least making some minuscule effort to shake himself out of his old ways by correcting himself like that. Helga meanwhile didn't even have to voice her reaction, they could all feel it as strongly as if she were screaming. Arnold did have to respect that kind of power she wielded with that glare of hers.

"Oh Arnold, it's true… I love Suzie so much, I swear! I wish I could say the right things, what's really in my heart but it is just so hard and takes so much work, like going up the stairs or chewing my own food… ah heh heh heh heh heh, see? I made a joke at my own expense. I'm self deprecating now and that means I'm becoming self aware, see?"

Arnold smiled and nodded approvingly.

"I just need her to see how much I really love her, but how can I show it?" Oskar asked.

"Well, let's go over what you love about her." Arnold said, "Tell me right off the top of your head what you love about Suzie."

"She pays all of my bills, makes me sandwiches, and takes good care of me when I remind her to." Oskar said, earning frowns from both Arnold and Helga. His eyes darted back and forth before he added, "And she is… very pretty, too? She is my frizzy haired angel?"

"It's kind of amazing." Helga remarked, "You really do not give one solitary crap about anyone, do you?"

"Hey, that's not true!" Oskar said, "I will show you! I just need the right inspiration to… hey that's it! I thought of an idea! See? I'm changing for the better already, I have an actual idea!"

Oskar shoved Arnold out of his chair and sat down at the computer. With surprisingly nimble fingers he typed furiously, beginning his search. Arnold stood up from the floor where he had fallen and looked over Oskar's shoulder.

"And within ten seconds Arnold's computer has about a hundred viruses…" Helga quipped.

"Mr. Kokoshka?" Arnold asked, "What are you-"

"Let's see… oh look! One hundred inspirational movie scenes to help you win back the love of your life… perfect! I can win Suzie back and all I have to do is watch movies! Do you think TV shows would work too?"

Arnold instantly knew this was not the right route to take and he spoke out.

"You can't just do what people do in movies… this is real life, and those are just scripted scenes. If you want Suzie to love you again you'll have to be open and honest… say what's in your heart."

Oskar pondered this for a moment, but quickly shook his head a moment later.

"No, I like this idea better, but keep that one on the back burner in case this doesn't work. Ah heh heh heh heh!"

Downstairs, Suzie had more or less gotten a hold of herself. The company of Miles and Stella and even Phil helped considerably, although on the flip side it did make her miss living in the Sunset Arms to some extent. Internally she scolded herself again, reminding herself how much pain and misery Oskar caused her. It wasn't worth it to stay here just to live with the others if it meant having to put up with remaining married to Oskar.

Stella had fixed her a cup of tea and that at least had soothed her a bit.

"I've… never had a cup of tea quite like this." Suzie remarked.

"My own special herbal fusion." Stella said with some pride, "I first concocted it back in San Lorenzo… totally legal here in the states! I swear."

Suzie laughed but stopped as she noticed a look of confusion on the face of Miles.

"Do you hear music?" Miles asked.

"I can barely hear my own joints popping." Phil said, "Another benefit of aging."

While Phil joked, the two women on the other hand listened carefully, and indeed they could hear something. Stella walked over to the window and opened it and suddenly loud swing music flooded into the previously peaceful lounge.

"Pookie!" Phil shouted, "Are you giving another concert in our yard? I told you it's not legal to charge admission for-"

As he poked his head out the window past Stella he saw the source of the sound. Stella turned back to Suzie and pointed out the window. Confused, Suzie wandered over to the window and looked out into the yard. Standing outside on top of a rusted old car, Oskar held a boom box over his head as it blasted Dino Spumoni's 'You Better Not Touch My Gal' at the boarding house.

"Suzie?" Oskar called out, "Suzie! It's our song, do you remember?"

"Well, what a coincidence, that's Pookie and my song, too." Grandpa said, "Didn't figure you two would have any taste. Maybe the little weasel has a soul after all."

"Except that's not our song." Suzie groaned, "That's not our song, Oskar!"

"What?" Oskar cried out.

"That's not our song!" Suzie repeated.

"What?" Oskar yelled again.

"That's not our song!" Suzie repeated again, "Oskar, this is pathetic even for-"

"What? I can't hear you, our song is playing and these speakers are very loud right on top of my head like this!"

"Oskar!" Suzie shrieked.

"Now I can hear you!" Oskar shouted for joy, "You have the piercing shriek of an angel, my frizzy angel-"

Suzie slammed the window shut, or at least tried to but ended up closing it on Grandpa's head.

"Ow!" the old man wailed, "Hey watch it! If you're trying to kill me, you're not in my will, so don't bother!"

"Sorry…" Suzie muttered in embarrassment, and then closed the window properly.

Outside in the yard Oskar lowered the boom box and turned it off. With a heavy sigh he shook his head.

"I thought I remembered our song... and wait, this didn't work in the movie either…" he sighed, "I need a better one… something more iconic, what should I try next? I wonder if Mr. Hyunh still has any dresses I could use…"

A few minutes later, Miles, Stella and Suzie gathered together in the foyer, preparing to go for a stroll around the neighborhood, hoping to get Suzie away from Oskar for a little while and clear her head. Giving her a chance to reconnect with people, and possibly get their opinions on how to proceed could only help, everyone figured. Before they had a chance to go out the door however, Oskar's incessantly whiny voice echoed from up the stairs.

"Suzie!" they heard him wail.

With a simultaneous roll of their eyes, the three of them turned to see Oskar standing at the top of the stairs wearing a long flowing black dress. Everyone's mouths fell open as he scurried down the steps crying out to his wife.

"Oh, Suzie… Suzie… where shall I go? What shall I do?"

As he grabbed Suzie's hand pleadingly she just stared back at him in complete bewilderment, but then she shook her head and responded.

"Frankly Oskar, I don't give a-"

"Hey, wait a minute, this scene didn't work in the movie either… what kind of stupid list is this?" Oskar shouted as he stormed back upstairs, "I need to think of something more arty or obscure… hey, Mr. Hyunh! Do you still have that wig?"

Miles and Stella just stared as Suzie lowered her head and groaned.

"Sorry, I might be staying here a while…" She sighed.

Despite Oskar's disheartening antics, Suzie, Stella and Miles set off for their stroll around the neighborhood. Seeing Mr. Green and Mrs. Vitello lifted Suzie's spirits some, and just as expected they had advised her to proceed with divorcing Oskar, which bolstered her confidence just a little. When they returned a few hours later, they were alarmed to hear crashing sounds coming from the lounge. Worried this would prove to be the latest in Oskar's series of antics, all three of them rushed inside.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I really hope that's your mother making that noise, Miles…" Stella quipped.

"Yeah, me too…" Miles admitted.

As they approached the lounge however they could hear a distinct voice confirming their fears.

"Why, why Suzie, why?" Oskar's voice rang out.

As they entered the room they saw that Oskar had donned a pair of sunglasses for some reason, and even more confusingly had gotten a hold of a long black wig as well, which now draped down his face like a black oily willow. The room had been partly trashed and Oskar was still going about his little rampage.

"How could you do this to me? You betray me! Everyone betray me! I fed up with this world!" Oskar wailed as he turned over a chair and then grabbed for the TV.

"Oskar, no!" Miles shouted.

Oskar threw the TV down, but quick as lightning Miles dove over to catch it before it crashed to the floor, instead crashing down onto his hands.

"Ow…" Miles groaned.

"Oskar!" Suzie stomped over to the man and ripped the wig off of his head, "What on earth are you doing?"  
"You are part of my life! I could not go on without you!" Oskar whined, and then, with his fists clenched up near his head, in the most melodramatic voice imaginable he wailed, "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SUZIE!"

Suzie turned back to Miles and Stella who looked completely flabbergasted.  
"I am so sorry, I'll clean all of this up…" Suzie said, but then realized what she was doing, "Wait! No! Oskar? You clean this up and stop trying to put off signing the papers!"

"I am not putting it off, I am winning you back, there's a difference!" Oskar moaned.

"Well it's not going to work! Especially just by reenacting movie scenes!" Suzie stamped her foot down and clenched her fists, then without wasting any more words on him she turned and left the room while Miles and Stella just stared in silence.

"Don't think I even know what movie this is…" Miles scratched his head as he set the TV back in its place.

He and Stella then departed the room, and from around the corner none other than Helga poked her head in and laughed.

"You're supposed to be digging your way out of this hole. Not digging it deeper." Helga mocked him.

"Oh yeah? Well if I dig deep enough eventually I will dig a hole all the way to China! And then I will be famous for being the first person to actually dig a hole to China! I will be rich and famous and then you will all wish you had been on my side in my time of trial!"

Oskar then stomped out of the room, likely to make his way back to Arnold's room to regroup and come up with a new strategy. Helga watched him leave and scowled at the sight of the pathetic man.

"Oh man… he's not gonna quit… and if any of these ideas actually work she'll be stuck with him forever. Not that I care but… I gotta do something." She began to muse in her dreamy monologging way, "Arnold's helpful nature and desire to bring people together is doing more harm than good… and yet how ironic, that I must be the one to help, by tearing them apart…"

* * *

_**There. I did it. Oskar got Wiseauwned.**_

_**Wondering what Oskar will try next? Me too… whatever he does expect it to be completely sincere and from the heart.**_

_**Some day I'm going to do more with this recurring plot point of Stella's herbal tea that I keep implying is more than that... **_

_**Comment and favorite, or it will tear me apart, Lisa… I mean Suzie…**_


	4. Oskar Goes Wilde

**_Response to my reviewers:_**

**_Kryten: True, Helga really isn't good at breaking people up when she tries to… she tends to have the opposite effect of what she goes for._**

**_Anonymous Latino: Fortunately I only did a small tribute to 'The Room.' If it kept going you wouldn't have had a chance to shoot Oskar before he offed himself!_**

**_starwater09: They certainly could have led by example… but the healthier and more seemingly 'perfect' couples of the world tend to inspire more jealousy than anything, I find._**

**_HumanDictionary: Try 'em. They're delicious. I would know… I have that habit of putting my foot in my mouth…_**

**_It occurred to me while writing this that compared to a lot of other characters Suzie really doesn't have much of a discernible personality on the show, and she never got any real character development, unlike Oskar. She seems nice, if not understandably flustered and upset by Oskar most of the time but there's not much more to her apart from being a little codependent. Guess that means her having to find herself will factor into this before the end of this fic._**

**_Actually, it's probably just speculation on my part but there may be something to this, I would say Suzie has a very maternal nature, hence why she puts up with taking care of Oskar (or maybe it's just low self-esteem). By the way she adeptly cared for her cousin's baby however, I'm lead to believe she kind of wants to mother someone… and sadly fell into Oskar's trap because of it. And then of course in my own imagination, I could imagine Suzie had moments of mothering Arnold a little bit. That might be purely because of this one tiny moment in 'Baby Oskar' where he's helping her set up the baby's crib… I don't know, Arnold just being helpful as always of course, but as a kid for some reason I saw her as another surrogate mother figure to him. I guess she'd really be more like his aunt or cousin with that whole boarding house family dynamic._**

* * *

Chapter 4: Oskar Goes Wilde

On the roof of the boarding house, a soothing jazz tune filled Arnold's ears as he lay on his back looking up at the sky. His headphones blocked out the sounds of the city enough for him to enjoy just a little respite for a change. He had been up on his rooftop once again during all the chaos downstairs, and in his own little peaceful world he missed Oskar's antics entirely. He knew of course he couldn't live in his zen state up here for too long. When he descended down the steps on his bedroom wall he realized he had the same unwelcome guest again; Oskar sat slumped on the couch with his eyes glued to the TV screen to the boy's dismay. Arnold may have often tried to look on the bright side, but even he doubted Oskar could win back his wife's affection at this rate. Now the man had either given up or was simply waiting for Arnold to try to fix things for him, as per usual.

"Mr. Kokoshka?" Arnold asked, "What are you doing? I thought you were trying to prove your love to Suzie?"

"Oh yes, I am trying, very hard." Oskar said, "I was just looking for some more inspiration… you know how life imitates art, so I will just copy some."

On the TV screen, a large man barged through the door of the brightly lit set depicting his kitchen.

"Honey, I'm home!" he announced happily as the studio audience cheered. Suddenly he noticed something on the kitchen counter and turned flustered.

"Hey, what's this?" he bellowed.

Just then his wife, a shapely and attractive woman far out of his league entered the scene. She smiled at him and gestured to the appliance resting on the counter.

"I bought you a new sandwich maker." she said, "Quick and easy to use."  
"That thing looks expensive…" he groaned, "Why would I need a new expensive sandwich maker, when I have old you here for free?"

The studio audience laughed uproariously at the man's insensitively biting remark.

"But I guess you're right, it is probably quicker and easier to use than you." the husband added.

Laughter followed once again, from the studio audience and Oskar as well, while Arnold just remained silent.

The TV wife just glared back at her husband and frowned, but then she smiled and shook her head.

"Oh, Oswald." she said sweetly, "I love you."

The TV couple joined together in a kiss as the audience fawned over them, and Oskar reacted similarly.

"See?" Oskar said, "He says something insensitive and all the people laugh. And then she just forgives him and they love each other again. What's Suzie's problem?"

Arnold frowned and said, "I don't think these sitcoms are a good guideline for how to-"

"Maybe you're right, why don't we try looking at cartoons instead?" Oskar suggested as he started flipping channels. "I think 'Yo Ernest' is on soon."

"Mr. Kokoshka? This is the real world we live in. It's not a comedy and it's not a cartoon either. You have to be realistic and do something genuine to show Suzie that you can do better."

Oskar didn't argue that point this time. Arnold heard the sound of light footsteps approaching, and soon after Helga appeared in the doorway, with her hands firmly planted on her hips and her signature scowl still in full blown glory. Before she could say a word, suddenly a woman's voice called up the stairs into the room.

"Arnold?" Stella called upstairs in a raised voice, "Can you come down here, please?"

Arnold looked at Oskar, but figured he'd likely just stay glued to the TV for now and couldn't do much harm.

"Yeah, mom." Arnold called downstairs, "Be right there. Oskar? Just uh… keep doing what you're doing. I'll be right back. I think…"

"I'll keep an eye on him," Helga assured him, "Don't worry your weird oblong head about it."

"Thanks, Helga…" Arnold sighed, before descending down the stairs leaving Helga and Oskar alone in his room.

Helga eyeballed Oskar, who just loafed on the couch like a large hairy potato as if he didn't even notice her.

"Hmm," she observed quietly to herself, "Maybe I won't have to do anything after all… looks like he's given up on life again… didn't take long."

"Hey, wait!" Oskar leapt up from the couch and cried out in excitement, "I have another idea! And this one is really from the heart!"

"Oh boy…" Helga groaned, "Well, what Darwin Award winning idea have you got up your sleeve this time?"

"You?" Oskar looked at Helga in surprise, "Where did Arnold go? Oh, it doesn't matter."

Oskar scurried back over towards Arnold's desk and found his notebook which he looked at with enormous excitement in his eyes, as Helga's jaw dropped in terror.

Oskar explained, "I was looking through this little collection of love poems earlier and I-"

"GIVE ME THAT!" Helga tackled Oskar and pried the notebook away from him with savage force. In her rage, she ripped a page out of the book and crumpled it up in her hand. "How much did you read? Because I'm gonna feed you every page that your eyes profaned with their-"

"Wait, please!" Oskar protested, "They're very good… in fact, they inspire me. I want to write my own love poems, and then Suzie will see the true beauty within my soul…"

Helga remained unmoved and shook her fist in his face. Meddling in Helga's secrets was to play with fire, and Oskar was about to get a fourth degree burn for his trouble.

"You wanna write poetry? Well, remember what Ernie said about me being a poet with my fist?" Helga threatened, "Let me show you a thing or two about poet-"

For no clear reason, Helga stopped abruptly and fell silent. Her eyes bulged out like a pair of enormous golf balls as a look of realization flashed across her face. The girl's lips pursed while the gears turned in her head before widening into a huge grin, which just disturbed Oskar even more.

"Hey, that's a great idea!" Helga said happily, "Tell you what... I'm feeling generous today. You keep your big mouth shut about everything written in that notebook… and I'll help you write some poetry to win your old lady back. Deal?"

"I don't know, what's in it for me?" Oskar asked.

Helga smiled forcibly through gritted teeth, clearly fighting against herself to appear friendly. She then slapped herself hard across the face and continued to smile.

"Oh, right…" Oskar said, realizing his mistake, "Okay, I'll forget about your poems and definitely not try to publish them and sell them."

"Great." Helga said, and gestured to herself, "Now, let ol' Cyrano here put some words in your mouth…."

Oskar winced at the sight of the crumpled paper still in Helga's hand, which she noticed and abruptly dropped.

"Not literally, don't worry." she reassured him. "I'll take you from Oskar Kokoshka to Oscar Wilde in no time."

"Okay, sounds good… you will help me write something?" Oskar looked Helga over carefully with somewhat suspicious eyes before asking, "Can you promise they will be inspiring and romantic enough for Suzie?"

"I can promise anything." Helga said with a big toothy grin and a cocked eyebrow.

Meanwhile, Arnold found his mother and father downstairs cleaning up the lounge that Oskar had previously trashed. Arnold, having no knowledge of this, looked around in confusion. His grandpa appeared in the doorway behind him, still rubbing his head in pain from earlier and looking around the trashed room in dismay.

"Dagnabbit…" Grandpa groaned, "I thought the Mrs. Kokoshka could knock some sense into that bum, and instead she almost knocks me dead… look at that! She left a big lump on my head and… wait… no, that was always there."

"What happened in here?" Arnold asked.

"Hey, sweetie." Stella said with a detectable undercurrent of concern in her voice.

"What's going on?" Arnold asked, "Do you need help cleaning up?"

"Sure, since you're here." Stella said, "But, we just wanted to ask you… are you trying to help Oskar?"

Arnold looked around the room and realized this had to have been Oskar's doing now. He had of course tried to help him just a little, but he hadn't advised anything that could lead to this scene before him. Then again, mixing Oskar and Suzie together often used to result in household objects being hurled across the room, normally in Oskar's direction, so he couldn't completely absolve himself from the blame.

"Yeah… just a little." Arnold admitted, "But he didn't even take my advice… if this is all because of that list of movies, well he came up with that himself. Sorry I didn't get through to him…"

Stella shook her head and put a comforting hand on Arnold's shoulder, "You're not in trouble." she reassured him, but then with a strange look in her eye said, "I feel some weird instinct to ground someone someday… but not right now."

"I don't think your mom or I even know how to do that side of parenting…" Miles said, "Good thing you turned out the way you did."

"Courtesy of Grandpa and Grandpa inc." Grandpa said as he turned to leave the room, "Now you kids just clean up this mess before my stories come on. I've gotta go see about what crazy concoction Pookie's cooking up for dinner…"

Stella laughed, but then turned somewhat serious, "Don't worry about the mess, Arnold. But I did want to caution you… you always have your heart in the right place but this time I think… well, this might be a little too messy for you to get mixed up in. I don't think you should get too involved with Oskar and Suzie's… issues."

"Don't worry, I'm not getting in that deep… but it's nothing I'm not used to doing, anyway…" Arnold said, "I got them back together once before. They always fight like this, but then they always find their way back to each other eventually. Besides, they're kind of like family to the rest of us, and they need a little help."

Stella didn't respond immediately. She looked at her son as if searching his eyes to judge if he was mature enough to handle this.

"What one of them needs might be completely different than what the other needs." Stella said in a somber tone. "I'm worried that helping Oskar might end up… hurting Suzie. I don't think what they have is very healthy."

"Oh…" Arnold said, understanding her meaning, "You really think they… should…?"

"We don't know, son." Miles put in, "Neither of us do. And well… I know you get always wanting to help from us and all, but there really are some things that you just can't fix for people. And sometimes… well, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to… not help."

Arnold looked at his father in slight confusion, matched by Miles's confusion at his own words.

"Yeah, that was weird for me too, but I think there's something there…" Miles chuckled awkwardly.

"No, I think that's a good way to put it." Stella agreed, "It's not like curing diseases. I could always figure that out with enough time and work but… there just might not be a cure for Oskar."

Arnold nodded, but then had to suppress a laugh, "Like he's a disease or something?"

The mother, father and son all looked at one another in silence, not one of them able to deny that was an apt comparison, but none of them were willing to say it as they fought back against their laughter. Sadly, Oskar really did come across as a sickness to everyone around him, and while he seemed incurable he occasionally proved treatable, which had given Arnold some small glimmer of hope that he could turn things around. His father's words weighed on Arnold however, as he began to realize just what a long losing battle he had been fighting all along. It went against his very nature, but maybe his father was right and the most helpful thing he could do in this situation was to not help at all.

Some time later, Suzie had gotten situated in her temporary accommodations; Grandpa called this place the king suite, and true enough compared to most rooms in the boarding house this one did feel regal by comparison, in size if nothing else. It wasn't as clean as she had kept up her own room when she lived here, but it had to have been cleaner than her old room surely was now. She shuddered at the very idea of what condition it had fallen into with Oskar living in it by himself. She imagined piles of mildewy clothes piled on the floor or hanging from tables, their kitchen sink overflowing with dishes surrounded by clouds of flies, and she didn't even want to imagine the sight of the bathroom.

Living with her cousin Nancy hadn't been easy, but it towered over life with Oskar. She could go to work every day, and come home to help out around the house and actually get a modicum of gratitude for her efforts. Nancy never liked Oskar, and had rashly named her own baby Oskar before getting to know the man himself. Naturally she urged Suzie to divorce him, but it had taken her nearly a year to finally bring herself to say enough was enough.

So she had said anyway.

Suzie sighed, as her mind wandered to recent memories of watching little Oskar grow and learn to walk, saying his first words and just what joy the little boy filled her with. Suzie had always been too overworked and underpaid to even entertain the notion of having kids with Oskar, and yet something about the idea of tending to something so helpless and in need of her care really appealed to her. As she reflected she started to realize that in her hectic and mostly powerless adulthood life, she had felt a certain sense of power when caring for baby Oskar. The baby. Not the man-baby; there was a difference… or was there, really?

A knock at the door jolted her out of her quiet reflection, and Suzie turned towards the now opening door.

"Knock knock…" Oskar's unmistakable voice said from around the corner.

Suzie steeled herself as she prepared to face her intended ex yet again.

"What do you want?" she asked coldly.

Oskar opened the door and slowly stepped into the room, carrying a notebook in both hands.

"You're supposed to say 'who's there?' and then it turns into a funny joke, because I always loved making you laugh, Suzie." he said.

"You and I remember things very differently." Suzie responded, and gestured to the notebook, "What's that?"

Oskar held aloft the little notebook with enormous pride as he explained, "It is my magnet orifice."

"Your… what?" Suzie asked, confused and taken aback.

"Magnum Opus!" a hushed voice from behind the door corrected him.

"Who's that?" Suzie asked.

"That? It was um, my conscience. I have one now, and it's very loud sometimes. Right, my magic office. Suzie… I've written you a volume of poetry to express my feelings. Maybe I can't show you how much you mean to me, but I can tell you."

"Oh…" Suzie said.

"I am sorry about before, but these come from deep inside my heart…" Oskar pleaded, "Let me read you one…"

Suzie looked at him in a mix of annoyance and some small amount of pity. She quickly quashed the latter feeling, knowing that any sense of pity towards Oskar would just grow if given more attention than it deserved. Still, the mere idea of Oskar actually writing anything was too intriguing to ignore. With a heavy sigh, Suzie made some flimsy gesture for him to begin his poetry reading.

"I already know you're morally bankrupt, and… actually bankrupt." she said, "You may as well prove that you're creatively bankrupt, too…"

"I will prove it!" Oskar declared and then turned his face down to the notebook and began reciting, "On wings of a golden dove, soars to the sky my love. The dove, a rat with wings, from the harp of my soul doth sing sing sing. My singing wings like a bell doth ring… sing, sing, sing, ding-a-ling-a-ling…"

Suzie just stared at him with half-lidid eyes, so far not surprised in the least by Oskar's prose. Tragically that hadn't even been the end of the poem.

"Suzie, my angelic golden haired floozie, with you at my side I never could lose…ee."

"Floozie!?" Suzie interjected.

"What? I needed something that rhymed with lose-ee." Oskar said, then read on, "I love you as much as I love to pet the kitty, and without you my life has been especially sh-"

"I don't believe this…" Suzie buried her head in her hands.

A repressed snickering sounded through the door, but Suzie took no notice and Oskar kept reading.

"Like a boat at sea, my heart is lonely. Without you I have to play the ponies. My other half, nay my better half, my football headed love- wait, I must have crossed something out here and started over… aha, here we go. Without your guiding light, I am a mere worm lost in the dirt, forever searching pointlessly for true love's… squirt? What kind of stupid… thing… I wrote, out of love. So sweet tasted our goodbye, but in my mouth turns bitter. I would vomit words of love to you, and need a babysitter? What the- I mean, I wrote that. Yes. Could love's rich bounty be fuller? Nay I say, my senses you do bewitch. My heart would burst, if I loved you more, by making me a sandwich."

Oskar looked up at Suzie and grinned broadly at her. Suzie just stared straight back at him, her expression blanker than the pages at the end of the notebook in his hands.

"You really wrote all that, Oskar?" Suzie said, with none of the bitterness gone from her tone.

"With my own two hearts… I mean hands, yes." Oskar said, "But it's from the hand- heart!"

Suzie stared at the man she had once been impulsive enough to marry, searching his eyes for some modicum of sincerity. She hadn't expected anything poet laureate worthy, but the fact that he had managed to find words that rhymed was impressive enough on its own. Oskar hated to write almost as much as he did reading, so to see him go to even this much trouble for her awoke some familiar old feelings yet again. Her pity returned, and this time she couldn't beat it in this instance.

"Oh, Oskar…" she sighed, "You really do care, don't you?"

"WHAT!?" the voice from outside the door screeched.

"Shut up, conscience…" Oskar said to the door, then turned back to the woman he professed to love, "So what do you say? Make me a sandwich? I mean… come home?"

Suzie stared at Oskar, unable to hold back that same debilitating and unexplainable fondness she held for the pathetic man. As she slowly tiptoed closer to him she felt about ready to wrap her arms around him for the first time in too long, but just before she did, she stopped herself.

"No…" she said, "No! I won't… I can't! Not again! Just… just go! Leave me alone!"

Oskar's face sank and he looked back at the notebook.

"Okay, take some time to think it over. I get it. I'm rushing you… here." he offered her the notebook, "I wrote a whole volume just for you. I will just go back to work now..."

Suzie reluctantly took the notebook, but pointed to the door and turned her head away from Oskar. The man lowered his head and went out the way he came in as Suzie watched him go out of the corner of her eye. Such a sad sight as Oskar awoke her pitying heart again and she felt compelled to run after him and grab him and kiss him and-

"Oh no…" she sighed, "I'm cracking… how does he do it? How does he always-"

Her verbalized thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. Suzie turned her head and saw someone else now standing where Oskar had been.

"Hi there." the girl said, "Just looking for a certain address. Would this be the corner of low self-esteem and co-dependence?"

Suzie looked at the girl standing in her doorway. She stood with her fists planted on her hips as she glared in her direction. She felt as if she had seen her around before but didn't know who she was, apart from being a friend of Arnold's.

"What?" Suzie asked, "Who are you?"

"Helga Pataki, nice to meet ya." the girl said flatly, "Nice suite you got here, mind if I take a look?"

"I-" Suzie feebly protested as Helga pushed her way in.

"Man, what do you have to do to get a place this nice in a dump like this building?" she asked, "I've been slumming here for a while, but Grandpa really rolled out the welcome mat for you, huh? And just because you're dumping that guy? You'd better earn it…"

"Who are you? And why are you butting into-"

"Hey, look it's not like I care… because I don't really, but that Arnold kid's had sort of an effect on me, so now I'm just butting into everyone else's problems. I dunno what to tell ya." Helga said, "Sit down. You and me gotta talk."

* * *

**_Okay. I fear through Suzie's whole wanting to be a mother and take care of her husband as she would a child, I've turned her into a Freudian nightmare._**

**_That poem took a while. As I discovered writing intentionally bad poetry is hard when you're trying to make it unintentionally funny and insightful. It had to sound like Helga was writing something intentionally awful, but combining hers and Oskar's prose was tricky… I tried for so long to make it fit in the style of a certain Oscar Wilde poem but I just couldn't make it (not) work, so eventually I just said screw it, got a little drunk and wrote it. _**

**_How to be a writer: hate yourself, drink, continue in that vein. _**

**_I kid… don't do that… this is why I sympathize with Miriam Pataki so much…_**


	5. Diddler on the Roof

**Reviewer Responses**

**Kryten: Haha, I was trying to write a 'perfect' bad poem… like how 'The Room' is so perfectly bad it almost seems intentional in how wrong everything is. Oh well, just plain bad is good enough… or… wow, that's confusing…**

**HAFanForever: Hehe, I knew all you literature nerds (points thumbs at self) would appreciate that. ;) Suzie is indeed very maternal… and that's why she's so weak to Oskar because he's basically a giant infant. Arnold has to learn here that he can't always save everyone… especially from themselves.**

**Anonymous Latino: Oh, the kind of gentle, understanding and empathetic wisdom that she's known for of course. ;)**

**EnvytheSkunk: Your comment did kind of inspire me to put that reference in there, so thank you. I wish I had thought to pair Suzie with Lila's dad sooner but… I had that whole emotional ending where Lila meets her dad's new girlfriend and I don't think I can go back on it… at least not yet. Maybe it won't work out with them. It does kind of have that 'small world effect' but I honestly like the idea of them being paired up.**

* * *

Chapter 5: Diddler on the Roof

Heeding his parents' advice, Arnold once again took to the rooftop and elected to stay out of the domestic mess still unfolding below. He considered all of the boarders to be family in some strange way, even now that his long absent parents had miraculously returned he felt as if he had two sets of parents and several oddball siblings, uncles and aunts. As he grew older however, he came to see Oskar as less of an uncle and more of a baby brother, as pathetic as that sounded. That of course naturally awoke Arnold's protective and caring instincts, but he had to keep reminding himself that no matter how he felt, he was in fact only a kid and Oskar was a forty year old man so lazy that he couldn't be bothered to keep maturing past age five.

Arnold had made many attempts to help Oskar in the past, and while the man had made small baby steps towards self improvement, Arnold now quietly had to admit to himself that it wasn't enough to make any significantly positive changes to his life, or Suzie's for that matter. As difficult as it was, he knew his dad was right and the best thing he could do to help would be to stay out of it.

Arnold sighed peacefully as he watched his remote controlled plane looping and diving through the air above him, under a clear pink sky as the sun began to set. He reflected on just how good he really had it now compared to just two years ago when the mere idea of some day meeting his own parents felt like an impossible dream, but still one that he'd never give up on. He quietly wondered to himself how Helga must have felt now that she and her own parents weren't so much as speaking.

"Hey, Arnold!" Oskar's whiny voice snapped him out of his peaceful meditation. Arnold shook his head and glanced over to see Oskar walking towards him.

"I think it worked, Suzie didn't throw anything at me, but I think she's still on the fence." Oskar said, "I told her I had to go back to work while she thought about it for a while. I just need one more good idea to push her over the edge, and then she will be crazy about me again."

Arnold winced. For all of Oskar's other obvious faults he really had convinced Arnold that his love for Suzie was genuine, and something more than just having a caretaker he could have shoulder all of the work in their lives. Something about his words now had Arnold seeing another, darker side to him. Arnold took a deep breath, and bearing that in mind used it as fuel to help him finally draw the line. He was so focused he failed to even notice his plane crashing down on the roof behind him.

"Sorry Mr. Kokoshka," Arnold said, "I can't help you."

"You can't help?" Oskar repeated, "What? Are you sick? Do you need me to make Suzie make you some soup?"

"No, Mr. Kokoshka… this… all this is between you and Suzie." Arnold insisted, "I'm sorry."

"But Arnold, all of my own ideas have been a bust. Look at me! I'm no good without someone else's work to take credit for." he pleaded.

"That's… too bad." Arnold sighed, "But I can't help anymore."

"Can't help anymore?" Oskar repeated Arnold's words in disbelief, "But Arnold? You're always helping everyone. Don't you care about me anymore?"

Arnold grimaced as he felt his stomach sinking, "Well, sure, but… well, sometimes the most helpful thing someone can do is to just… not help."

"Help by not helping? Arnold, you're talking crazy talk again. You really must be sick." Oskar said, "Don't worry, I will have Suzie make you some soup. You just get into bed and I'll get you some pencil and paper to write down a list of ideas for me to-"

"Mr. Kokoshka…" Arnold grumbled, "I'm not-"

The sound of fluttering wings interrupted Arnold, to his secret relief. He glanced over in the direction of the noise and saw a familiar pigeon sitting on the glass skylight nearby.

"Esther?" Arnold gasped.

Recognizing Arnold, Esther flew over to him and landed directly on his waiting finger.

"Back for the evening already?" Arnold asked, "I thought you'd still be off flying with your friends."

Oskar glowered at the sight of Arnold holding the pigeon in his hand.

"Okay, I didn't really think you were talking crazy talk before, but now I think you are…" Oskar said, "Arnold? You are talking to a bird?"

Arnold patted Esther and nodded.

"I just take care of my rooftop visitors." he said, "Kind of a hobby, I guess. But… I dunno, I also just care about little things like-"

"I don't get it, why do you waste your time on that dirty bird?" Oskar asked. "It's a bird, it can take care of itself. You should put your energy into helping the truly needy… like me. Don't keep wasting your time on some rat with wings."

"Esther's a great bird." Arnold said somewhat sourly, but then he smiled at the pigeon sitting on his hand, "She's just a little shy. I think the outside world scares her a little, so she keeps coming back to me a lot."

"Then why not just keep it in a cage?" Oskar asked.  
"What? I can't just lock her away." Arnold said, "I care about her and all, but she still has to fly free. I take care of her, but I still let her have her freedom. Some day maybe she'll be confident enough to take on the world herself, but in the meantime I care about her, even if that means having to let her go some day."

Oskar groaned, "Great. Even your nasty little girlfriend was a bigger help to me, thanks a lot."

Arnold frowned at Oskar but the man didn't go back on his words.

"What? She's a jerk." Oskar said, "She's always yelling and calling me names…"

He sounded like a whiny child once again, and Arnold at least understood better than most how taxing some of Helga's more surly side could be when unchecked.

"I don't understand how you can even put up with that." Oskar said. "She's such a little bring down…"

Arnold sighed, "Because… I care about her. And I understand why she gets like that. And when you care about someone enough, you put their needs ahead of your own."

Feeling himself instinctively offering advice again, Arnold shook his head and stopped himself. Then suddenly, as he was carefully placing Esther on her perch, something Oskar had said before hit him like a bolt of lightning.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Arnold asked. "That she was a bigger help than me?"

"She helped me write a book of love poems to win back Suzie, and all you can do is talk about your birds."

Arnold could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Helga would never willingly help someone like Oskar… not genuinely. He knew instantly she had to be up to something.

"Um…" Arnold said cautiously, "I think I need to… check on something downstairs. Um, why don't you just watch the sunset… it usually inspires me."

And with that Arnold bolted for the skylight hatch and flew downstairs as quickly as his legs could carry him. Oskar just stood on the roof looking dejected and hopeless. He then turned to see Arnold's pigeon looking at him, almost judgmentally.

"What are you looking at?" Oskar grumbled at Esther, "Maybe that kid wants to talk to rats with wings, but I-"

As he spoke, he could have sworn he saw two pigeons flying by, carrying a strangely excited looking white rat by its front limbs. Oskar just blinked in disbelief.

"Okay… so that was a rat with wings." Oskar said. "My mistake… weird."

All the while, downstairs in the 'royal' suite, Helga talked in circles while Suzie tried to find some polite way of telling the brash and overbearing kid to leave. After a long preamble, Helga finally started trying to reason with the woman.

"Look, I'll level with you." Helga said, "I feel this weird sort of feeling… like I did something and maybe some small part of me doesn't like what I did, because maybe it put out more bad into the world than good… you know what I'm getting at? I can't think of the word…"

"Guilt?" Suzie asked.

"Thank you! That's the one!" Helga snapped her fingers, "It's an unfamiliar feeling. I only started developing it about a year or two ago and I still don't like it but… well it's there, and I can't ignore it so… yeah, I'm feeling a little bad about butting into this mess in the first place."

"Okay…" Suzie now sounded thoroughly baffled, "So you want what exactly?"

"Well for a start _this._" Helga gestured to Oskar's supposed book of poetry. "Come on, this crap seriously moved you? Touched your heart?"

"It was very… Oskar." Suzie said, "That's for sure… poor quality, pathetic, insensitive… but also…"

"Oh no, don't…" Helga urged, "I might throw up…"

"… strangely childlike and innocent, and somehow endearing… like he was really trying but…" Suzie tried to say.

"He didn't," Helga cut her off, "I wrote these. He just commissioned them from me… and I'm not holding my breath for any compensation from that bum."

"What? You wrote that?" Suzie asked as she paged through the book, "What about the rest of this volume?"

"Yeah, yeah I can crank out poems like vomit, but come on, he probably didn't even expect you to read the thing…" Helga made a grab for the book and turned it to the beginning page, "Look. The index is just copied from the old phone directory."

"What?" Suzie gasped.

"I know, right? I didn't think they still even printed those." Helga said as she tossed the book over her shoulder, "Yeah, I wrote that because I didn't want any of his stupid ideas of saving your marriage actually work on you… and what do you know? It backfired on me. I didn't expect you to find it so endearing. Still, gotta give myself credit. I think I really captured his essence in the written form…"

Suzie just stared blankly at Helga, with some mildly hopeless expression.

"Look, I'm only butting in here because I'm kind of an expert on dysfunctional marriages and… well yours has me worried." Helga insisted. "And I worry I may have accidentally nearly gotten yours back on track… which is bad."

Suzie continued to stare in silence, unimpressed by her bold claim.

"You're… what? Ten?" Suzie asked at last.

"Twelve." Helga clarified, "And unless I'm mistaken, that's a year or two longer than you've been married to that guy, right? So by that math, my whole life living with two parents who hate each other makes me more of an expert than you. You want to be a mom, right?"

"What?" Suzie sounded completely taken aback by such a personal question.

"Ah come on, it's obvious." Helga said, "Why else would you stick with that big man baby for so long? Admit it… some part of you likes taking care of him."

"Who do you think you-" Suzie briefly tried to chastise the intrusive girl before her, but she suddenly found her lip quivering and her eyes welling up with tears.

"He is like a baby… a big, hairy, lazy, helpless baby who needs someone to take care of him." Suzie broke down, "And I left him… left him all alone in the world with no one to take care of him! And then I spent all that time away from him and I started thinking I deserved better, so I came back to divorce him and… and Miles and Stella were back and it just… it made me think I left Oskar just like they left their baby."

"Seriously?" Helga huffed, "I mean, I admit Arnold was probably better able to take care of himself at age one than Oskar is now… but come on! This is different. The guy's a parasite! Seriously, why in the blue blazes did you even marry him anyway? Were you just trying to make your parents mad or something?"

Suzie's eyes darted around momentarily as if trying to avoid dwelling on some painful or just embarrassing memory. She then sighed heavily.

"There's more to Oskar than everyone thinks," Suzie sighed, "Maybe I'm the only person who ever sees it but… oh I just don't know what to do! I'm so conflicted… why did I come back to this place? Of course a madhouse like this was going to drive me mad!"

Helga glared at Susie, who had returned to the boarding house firmly determined to stand up for herself and finally cut out a negative force in her life bringing her down, but now she had slipped right back into a trap of her own making. Helga barely knew Suzie, and she wasn't entirely sure why she cared so much about her issues, but in this moment she just couldn't help it.

"Look, I get it. The guy has you wrapped around his finger, even if you don't want to admit it. And you feel bad about what'll happen to him without you." Helga said, "Well let me tell you, he'll be fine."

"What?" Suzie asked, "How would you know-"

"Because he's_ not_ helpless. That guy may act like a victim, but he's not." Helga said bluntly. "In fact, I'd say he's a survivor…"

"But…" Suzie said feebly, "I know he seems kind of useless, but he does have some good points… I'm sure he could do better if-"

"Yeah that's exactly right, he does have his good points and he is capable of doing better, and that's the worst thing about him! He uses that to lure people in, and then he latches onto them like a freaking sea lamprey! And look at you now. He's basically bled you white, and he's _still_ trying to get more out of you, just to survive! Without you, he'll find another host to latch onto, so don't worry about him! You came here to end this, so do it!"

"Helga?" Arnold's voice suddenly appeared in the doorway. She spun on her heal to see him standing there looking at her disapprovingly.

"Hiya, football head, how's it going?" she said casually, "Your old neighbor lady here and I were just talking about-"

"Helga? Can I talk to you for a second?" Arnold said oddly sternly.

Helga fixed him with a suspicious look, but she realized someone like Arnold was of course going to interpret her actions as meddlesome, intrusive or just flat out bad. True, actively encouraging a divorce may not have seemed in line with Arnold's more gallant way of doing things, but circumstances being what they were just begged Helga to try.

"Fine." she sighed reluctantly, then looked at Suzie, "You just think about what we've discussed. I'll send you my invoice."

"Invoice?" Suzie and Arnold asked in unison.

"Hey, I've been to therapy. I figure that makes me a semi-professional shrink now." Helga said proudly, "Seriously Arnold, if you had charged a buck for every piece of advice you've given out over the years you'd be richer than the Lloyds."

"Helga…" Arnold groaned.

"You're just mad because you never thought of it."

Helga laughed and walked past Arnold out the door. Arnold didn't look amused, and he looked back at Suzie with an apologetic gaze before turning to follow Helga. When he closed the door behind him he confronted her.

"Helga, what were you doing in there?" he asked.

"Oh, just helping out as I do." Helga insisted.

"The same way you were helping Oskar pay rent?" Arnold asked.

"Something along those lines." she laughed uncomfortably.

"Helga, I'm almost afraid to ask but… are you-"

"What?" Helga sputtered, "Are you suggesting that I'm actively trying to drive a wedge between these two? That I want to see this breakup go through? That I'm playing the Anti-Cupid in some giant cosmic game of love? Is that what you're asking? Is THAT what you're asking!?"

Arnold just blinked in surprise.

"Not in so many words…" He sighed. "Helga, you barely know either of them… why are you doing this?"

Helga's eyes darted around nervously and she smiled awkwardly.  
"She uh… seems like a nice lady." Helga said, "And I want her to fly free… like that dirty bird of yours on the roof."

"Helga, even I'm trying to stay out of this one." Arnold urged, "I gave Oskar one or two little pointers but… they have to sort this out on their own. It's none of our business, really."

"And have you considered what'll happen if they stay together?" Helga asked, "Look at the woman, she's a mess and it's all because of that human leech!"

"I know… but at least he's trying to do better." Arnold shrugged, "We can't just- no, not getting involved…"

"Please, Arnold. Oskar's worse than my dad, and he's old and senile, so at least he has an excuse to be a jerk!" Helga stated firmly.

"Your dad is senile?" Arnold asked in sudden concern.

"Doesn't remember my name, never remembers that I have to go to school on a daily basis, thinks the beeper market is just in a slight slump, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't even realized that I moved out yet." Helga stated, "Only logical explanation I can think of."

"Seriously, Helga." Arnold said, now somewhat severely, "Why are you doing this?"

Helga appeared ready to just retort with yet another snarky one liner she kept in her vast arsenal, but when she opened her mouth only wordless air issued forth. She then closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Fixing her eyes on Arnold's she spoke very solemnly.

"Arnold… look at them. They're both miserable together. They'd both be better off apart. Even Oskar." she said slowly, "They're both stuck and they need a push… what if they stuck together longer? What if they ended up having a kid? They already can't stand one another… and that's just a recipe for an unhappy childhood…"

She sniffled slightly, and Arnold immediately knew exactly what she was getting at. Arnold hadn't broached the subject of her family since she had moved into the boarding house, and Helga all the while had been acting exceptionally devil-may-care all the while. Evidently she hadn't completely put her family issues from her mind after all, to both kids' surprise.

Arnold placed a hand on her shoulder as she started to quietly weep, just a little. She scrunched up her face and wiped away her tears, trying to keep from full on crying but the look on Arnold's face reassured her.

"It's okay, Helga…" Arnold said comfortingly.

Helga wiped her nose as she continued sniffling.  
"I'm sorry Arnold…" she said, "I don't mean to make trouble around here… but I…"  
"You don't want anyone else to go through what you have…" Arnold said.

"Psh, no…" Helga tried to sound tough again, "I just… like tearing people apart, that's all. I'm an agent of chaos and discord and… and…"

Arnold smiled knowingly at her. Even if she refused to let most people see it, Helga really did have a huge heart, and for that he could always forgive her for being prickly or just outright malicious on the surface at times.

"Okay." Helga sighed, "Yeah. Suzie… I think she wants to be a mom, and that's why she babysat that guy for so long… so she could raise her awful husband- man this is a Freudian nightmare…"

"Huh?" Arnold asked.

"Forget it… stay away from therapy, Arnold." Helga shook her head, "I just think it'd be a disaster if those two ever had a kid…"

"Oh contraire," Oskar's voice appeared from behind them, causing them to jump, "I bet if I had a kid it would make me straighten up and fly right finally! Good idea, Helga, keep them coming. Ah, heh heh heh!"

"You… are… scum!" Helga hissed.

Oskar pounded on the door to Suzie's room and called out.

"Suzie!" he shouted, "Let me in, I have important news!"

Helga cracked her knuckles and grounded her teeth, ready to tear Oskar limb from limb and craft him into some decoration to mount on Suzie's wall, but Arnold placed his hand on her shoulder again and shook his head.

"Helga?" he said cautiously, "I know you want to help as much as I do but… this is their choice, not ours."

Soothed by the touch of Arnold, Helga's tense body immediately relaxed as she sighed reluctantly.

"Fine…" she said, "Can we at least watch? I can't look away, it's like roadkill having a train wreck… or something like that."

As Arnold and Helga peered from around the corner, Oskar didn't bother to wait for Suzie to answer the door and just waltzed right in, once again seeing Suzie looking distraught over in the corner of the room. When she saw him barge in however she looked up and scowled at him.

"Suzie? I know now… I want you to be happy in life, and for that I have to give you what you've always wanted." Oskar insisted.

"How would you even know what I've wanted?" Suzie asked, "You've never so much as shown the slightest interest in-"

"Suzie, I'm ready." Oskar announced, "I'm ready to finally be the responsible and mature adult you've always deserved… I just need the right motivation…"

Suzie shook her head, "If everything that's already happened to us isn't enough motivation, then I don't know what-"

"Suzie." Oskar knelt down before her and took her hands in his, "Let's start a family together."

Suzie hadn't been prepared to hear something like that, and her eyes went so wide they threatened to pop out of their sockets. Her mouth fell open and she struggled to find words.

"You mean…" she started.

"Yes, we'll have a little Oskar, and a little Suzie, then another little Oskar and another little Suzie… all the little Oskars and Suzies the world can tolerate. Ah heh heh heh heh."

"Oskar… how could we… we couldn't possibly even afford to-"

"Don't worry about it, I've found a way to keep us secure for the rest of our lives!" Oskar announced excitedly, "We can finally afford to live like royalty! Just as soon as that Nigerian prince gets around to wiring me his fortune like he promised in that email…"

"You use email?" Arnold asked from around the corner in surprise.

Oskar turned back to see him and Helga both peering into the room.

"Arnold, I'm surprised at you. Eavesdropping is very rude, and where I'm from punishable by law…" Oskar whined, "But… well, actually it was your email I was checking. Also, what's a routing number? The prince needed that…"

Stricken with terror, Arnold dashed back up the stairs to his room. The others watched as he ran off to assess the damage of what havoc Oskar had wreaked on his computer.

"You people really need to start locking doors around here." Helga sighed, but Oskar and Suzie just glared back at her, "Whatever, I can take a hint. Have a nice life, you two…"

And she stomped off after Arnold, leaving Oskar and Suzie alone for the first time since she had come back.

"Suzie, I've come to realize something: if you truly love someone it means putting their needs ahead of yours…" Oskar began.

"Yes?" Suzie asked expectantly.

"So…" Oskar took a deep breath, "So we can forget about the whole divorce thing? Because you're ready to put my needs ahead of yours?"  
"Oskar!" Suzie groaned.  
"What?" Oskar asked, "I thought I got it right this time? Suzie, just think of what the future could be… our children and grandchildren taking care of us in our old age. Think of the possibilities, think of all the family photos we could take, think of… think of all the financial aid we could get!"

"That's what you're taking from that? That I need to learn to put your needs ahead of mine? What do you think I've done for the last ten years!? And now… now that you'd even think of bringing a child into this world just so you'll still have someone around to pay your bills? That is just…"

And then, a look came over Suzie that sent shivers down Oskar's hairy spine. She had glared at him more often than not in the last decade they had been chained together through nuptial incarceration, but this look was different. Oskar had grown adept at just weathering the storm of Suzie's fits of temper over the years, knowing they would subside as quickly as they arrived and so long as he took shelter they'd leave him alive and well. Suzie didn't even look angry at him now, she just looked so strangely confident and steadfast that it frightened him.

"Oskar." she said softly but firmly, "You can fight this all you want. You can keep trying to fool me into thinking you've changed, or that you can change, but at the end of the day you're only fooling one person."

"The landlord?" Oskar asked.

"YOURSELF." Suzie barked, and with that she began shoving him towards the door.

"Okay, this is one of those riddle things, I get it." Oskar said, "I will figure it out, just give me-"

"Oskar." she said solemnly, "I don't want to speak to you again until you've signed those papers. End of discussion."

And she closed he door in the dejected man's face. Suddenly from around the corner Ernie appeared.

"Too bad, Kokoshka." he said, "I was really rooting for you two… then I'd have won the bet."

"You already lost, Potts!" Grandpa's voice rang from down the stairs. "Now quit welching up there!"

Ernie backed away, still pointing at Oskar and grinning insincerely, "Still in your corner, Oskar."

As he disappeared around the corner Oskar just slumped downward and made his way upstairs.

With a distinct feeling of deja vu, Oskar once again found himself on the roof of the boarding house, gazing off at the sunset, secretly hoping Suzie would appear behind him and mistake his actions for being deeply philosophical, whereas he was actually just wondering what would be for dinner.

More than that, Oskar puzzled out the question of just why Suzie wanted nothing more to do with him. He knew she had been on the fence despite her earlier insistence that he sign the divorce papers, which suggested to him that she still harbored some feelings for him, despite his faults.

The revelation that Suzie wanted to be a mother surprised him. As far as he could remember she had never said… well, actually he couldn't remember much of what she had said concerning personal feelings, he had always been to preoccupied to take notice. Yet here he had finally made a sincere effort to show her that he cared enough to change a few habits, but it wasn't good enough.

"Fooling myself." Oskar bitterly repeated what Suzie had said to him, "I'll show her who's fooling who… what the?"

As he spoke, once again he could have sworn he saw a pair of pigeons dangling a white rat by its front legs as they flew through the air. As he watched them and questioned his own sanity, to his shock the two pigeons carrying the rat landed on the barrier just in front of him. Releasing the rat from their grips, all three creatures sat down and looked up at Oskar who just stared at them slightly aghast.

"What is… what is going on here?"

* * *

**Phew. Well, to those following this story sorry this one has been so delayed. I got hung up on trying to make some kind of metaphor out of Arnold's whole pigeon fixation and have it be relatable with Oskar and Suzie's plight… as it stands it's there but a little confused. Oh well. And then I got swept up in 'The Big Pataki' and some other life things came along to distract me.**

**Oskar trying to bring a kid into the world just to maintain his status quo to some degree… that's pretty low. But that actually is coming from some twisted sincere place I like to think. That can happen to a lot of men; as soon as you have a kid suddenly some paternal instincts cause you to straighten up and fly right… at least that's what I'm hoping happens someday. It's by no means a tried and true cure for Peter Pan syndrome. **

**I also had a whole subplot about Helga coming to realize that Arnold has never actually said "I love you" and that reflecting Suzie and Oskar's relationship, but then she'd come to realize that Arnold has shown he loves her even if he hasn't said it and… yeah, I couldn't make it work here, but I'm definitely saving that for a future story.**

**Bringing in Craig's other little dream project that never was into this… he did say that Sky Rat was set in the HA! universe… and city.**

**Not sure why I went with the Fiddler on the Roof reference for this chapter title… perhaps because I pictured Oskar launching into the Tevye/Golde duet 'Do You Love me?' **

**Realizing I make a lot of animal comparisons/metaphors/connections in my writing… I guess I studied the writing of Gogol at one point and it effected me? Nah, I think I just like animals…**

**Okay, the elusions to 'The Room' were supposed to stop, and yet this whole thing kind of feels like 'The Room' still with characters all just hanging around the house, entering and exiting, like they have nothing better to do…**

**Up next… final chapter… is there hope for Suzie and Oskar? I'm betting most people are hoping there isn't…**


	6. The Implausible Dream

**Reviewer Responses**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: He's a man of surprising depths, though frankly I'm surprised he knows how to put pants on… or maybe Suzie had to dress him and he just hasn't changed clothes since she left…**

**Kryten: Beth and Jerry are actually a more than apt comparison… in fact there was a line from Rick and Morty that I more or less adapted into that last chapter… I tried to not directly steal it but Helga's line about how Oskar plays the victim is very much inspired by Rick telling Jerry "You act like prey but you're a predator. You use pity to lure in your victims. It's how you survive."**

**Sky Rat was the series Craig Bartlett was developing for Nickelodeon a few years ago, but then when they green lit The Jungle Movie they passed on the other project. I guess it was about a rat with amnesia raised by pigeons… and he said in interviews it was going to be set in Arnold's city and we'd get occasional background cameos…**

**Oh, and thanks for going through and favoriting like… all my stories. :D**

**Anonymous Latino: Thank you, I'm glad it worked. That scene felt a little forced to me as I wrote it, and was the big reason this chapter took so long. **

**HumanDictionary: Haha, well… she's trying to kill any spark of romance for Suzie so… mission accomplished. Helga indeed was threatening to veer a little dangerously close into Cartman territory… the key difference being that she ultimately means well and has a heart, whereas Cartman is just kind of the worst person ever. **

**EnvytheSkunk: Yeah… if we had to have just one of those I'm glad we got TJM, though a new Craig Bartlett series is always a welcome thing in my book… a shame he didn't do a show about time traveling dinosaurs on trains when I was the right age for that, but oh well… **

**Yeah, Oskar has kind of gone past the point of no return now and has gone past his usual levels of semi-innocent jerkiness. **

**Wow… that's a brilliant notion, with regard to Arnold having trouble saying it for fear of being hasty again like he was with Ruth, Lila, Summer, etc… THANX USING THAT SOMEDAY. :D**

**HAFanForever: They're weird but wise, his parents, and Arnold knows this… just like his grandparents. Poor Oskar… devolving from childlike in his selfishness… to just outright bad in this story of mine. He just doesn't quite get the point ever, and it's leading him down a darker and darker road. Suzie indeed still cares for Oskar, which is her greatest weakness that he's trying to exploit… now we'll see if and how it'll all work out. **

**starwater09: Yeah… yeah Oskar wanting to have kids just to preserve his semi comfortable marriage isn't even something I considered at first, and then the more I got into writing Oskar the more desperate he became and that was a new depth for him to hit. And that 'no kids' rules at the boarding house isn't very heavily enforced; Arnold lives there, Gerald rented a room there for a time, I guess baby Oskar wasn't a permanent resident, and now in my own universe Helga lives there… it's a pretty flexible rule apparently.**

**The reports of my death were… completely accurate. But I'll keep writing these from beyond the grave. So help me I'm gonna finish this thing…**

**HAHAHA, okay so, life update and funny story… I went back and watched 'Gerald Comes Over' which features a great scene with Suzie chewing out Oskar and throwing stuff at him as Arnold catches it all like it's just a routine hazard. I've seen it before of course but I never really listened to all the little things Oskar says in that scene, but this time I caught this…**

**Suzie: You haven't worked in three years!**

**Oskar: What about my audition for the lead in 'Man of La Mancha'? To dream the impossible-**

**Oskar auditioned for the lead in Man of La Mancha… the reason I haven't been posting as frequently lately? I'm currently playing the lead in Man of La Mancha… no joke. It's a lot of lines and music to learn. As if I needed to see MORE of myself in Oskar… kind of depressing. God help us… we are both men of La Mancha. That actually gave me just the inspiration I needed to conquer this crippling writer's block of mine…**

**Remember when I said I found Oskar endearing in spite of his faults when this story began? I think I may have pushed that envelope a little too far, because after the last chapter now I'm finding him pretty despicable… also remember when I used to post new chapters with semi consistency? Me neither. **

**I realize suddenly that I had Helga eluding to vomiting twice in the same conversation with Suzie… don't worry, she's not bulimic. I'll save that for 'The Patakis.' :P **

**I almost titled this chapter 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Kokoshka?' but I decided this fit better with the trippy stuff that happens here… warning this gets trippy.**

* * *

Chapter 6: The Implausible Dream

Oskar watched bemusedly as the two pigeons fluttered their wings and lifted just off the barrier. The rat sat and watched his apparent companions as if studying them. Time and time again as the pigeons demonstrated the use of their feathery wings, the rat seemed to be nodding as they cooed at him. Whether rats understood the tongues of pigeons was a mystery to Oskar; he wasn't a scientist and didn't even have the intellectual curiosity to ask himself such questions most of the time. Still, something about this strange sight intrigued him.

At last, after watching over and over, the rat sprang upwards, leaping into the air it shook its own forelimbs furiously, before inevitably falling back to where it had sat before.

"Good try, I think you'll get it next time, ah heh heh heh heh." Oskar mocked.

Undeterred, the rat jumped up and down again and again, still flapping its little limbs and clearly trying to take flight as it impossibly struggled against its body, gravity and reality.

"Sure, just keep trying, you almost had it that time. It's not a complete waste of time at all." Oskar continued to mock the animal, "You're just a rat. You can keep trying your whole life but you'll never fly. You want to be a bird but you'll only ever be what you are: a sad pathetic little sewer dweller. Flying is just an impossible dream…"

Amused by this notion, Oskar launched into one of his favorite showtunes.

"To dreeeeam the impossible dreeeeam… ah heh heh heh." he laughed, "That's you."

The rat just looked back at Oskar, and not well versed in the English language it didn't seem to take offense, and if anything looked almost inspired by his song… as inspired as a rat could be by song, anyway. Oskar looked at the pigeons who were similarly tilting their heads and looking at him.

"And you, why are you wasting all your time on that rat?" he asked, "Trying to help him over and over? You know he'll never get it, he can't. He's just dragging you down."

The three creatures returned Oskar's words with blank stares. And then the rat spread its front legs apart and the two pigeons fluttered over it and once again gripped it by the elbows. With their combined effort, they once again took to the sky, carrying their little terrestrial companion with them as they soared off towards the setting sun.

"That was really weird… I need to get off of this roof… all this fresh air can't be good for me… it's making me crazy." Oskar whined, "Look at me, I am talking to pigeons just like Arnold… and now rats are trying to fly?"

A loud cooing sound from the perch where Arnold had placed his own pigeon Esther got Oskar's attention. Oskar looked and saw the bird also staring at him.

"What is it with all the animals today?" Oskar asked, "Are you waiting for me to start singing like the princess in that movie or something? Because I actually have a very nice singing voice once you get me going…"

As he should have expected, the pigeon didn't answer his question and just looked at him strangely.

"Why does Arnold help you? You're just a mooch living on the roof." Oskar huffed, but before he had time to draw any apt comparisons or ponder things further, suddenly he sniffed the air as an appetizing aroma filled his senses. Dinner had been served downstairs and suddenly all of Oskar's priorities in life shifted.

"I smell steak…"

As Oskar eagerly raced down the multiple staircases to make it to the dinner table, he stopped when he began to hear laughter coming from the dinning room. The sound of happy laughter usually meant the other boarders were in a good enough mood to overlook whatever trouble he'd gotten himself into and subsequently would drag them along for, but he knew that this time Suzie would likely be among them. Feeling cautious, he tiptoed closer and closer to the dinning room as he trained his ears on the voices echoing down the hallway.

"Here's to Suzie, and to new beginnings." he heard Stella say.

And to the twenty bucks she won me!" Grandpa added, "May your divorce bring us all years of happiness. Heh, heh, heh."

"Oh, quit your nagging, gramps!" Ernie shouted, "It's not over yet… that bum still hasn't signed anything. Nothing's official."  
"Say… did anyone catch the game yesterday?" Miles cut in, trying to change the subject.  
"What game?" Stella asked.

"I don't know… there's usually a game on." Miles said, "A lot of the time, actually."

"Aw, can the speeches, can we just eat? I'm raring for some steak here!" Helga shouted, "Um… please?"

"Young lady, so long as you're living under this roof you're going to act civilized like the rest of us." Grandpa scolded.

The loud cracking sound of a whip rang out, followed by the sound of shaking glass and silverware, as someone apparently leapt up onto the table. Oskar had only one guess as to who.

"Oh, Pookie! Put that away before you put someone's eye out, and get down from there!" Grandpa shouted, "Don't make me get the spray bottle again!"

"Old stick in the mud," Grandma laughed, "Toro! Toro! Worry not, your neighborhood torero is here to tame this bull!"

"Tame it? It's already dead…" Grandpa groaned, "Isn't it? Pookie? Did you cook it thoroughly this time?"

Grandma's loud insane cackling echoed down the hallway in response. Oskar cringed.

"Mom… please come down, I don't want to have to fix the table again…" Miles pleaded.

"Oh, like father like son… you're getting awfully dull in your old age, sonny boy." Grandma muttered.

Still hiding outside of the dinning room, Oskar saw Grandma walking out of the dinning room and down the hall towards him. She had donned herself in a matador outfit and held a whip in one hand and a broadsword in the other.

"Kids these days," she muttered, "No sense of fun anymore."

Oskar watched her leave and then turned his attention back to the dinning room.

"Well, thanks for dinner." he heard Suzie say, "I admit, I have missed grandma's cooking. Well… most of it. But dinner just doesn't come with a show at my cousin's…"

"Do you really miss it here?" Arnold asked.

"Well, all of you, of course." Suzie sighed, "You were all like… like… f-"

"Let's not say the F word at the dinner table." Helga laughed. "I prefer to think of this place as a halfway house for society's rejects."

"Helga…" Arnold groaned.

"What? That includes me. And I wear it with pride." Helga covered. "What? You think I'd wanna go back to a 'normal' family? Oops… there, I guess I said it…"

Oskar couldn't see the girl, but could still just somehow hear the air quotes Helga had just made around the word 'normal.'

"No, I mean it." Suzie continued, "You're all like family… well, most of you. I'll be sad to go again but…"

"No, no, stick around!" Ernie insisted, "That way I'll still win the bet, and really that way everyone wins! Except Grandpa… well, and you I guess since you gotta stay married to-"

"Ernie! This is Suzie's personal business and you shouldn't butt in like that!" Grandpa shouted, and then he proceeded to butt in, "Now, has he signed the papers yet, Suzie? Come on, the suspense is killing me."

"Not… yet." Suzie sighed.

"Aw, face it," Ernie continued, "You can't get rid of Oskar, he's like a cockroach or something. You might as well just learn to live with the bum. I mean it's like living with a tapeworm, it's not so bad. I went through all that. Did I ever tell you about the time I-"

"We're eating…" Helga grumbled, "You really think we want to hear about what goes on in your-"

"No, actually I think that might be the right comparison…" Grandpa put in. "And maybe if Suzie just starts to picture Oskar like a tapeworm it'd help her to-"

"Hey everybody…" Arnold, like his father before him tried to restore peace, "What do you say we all go around and… and name one thing we're thankful for?"

"Arnold, it's not even November." Helga groaned.

"Just trying to restore sanity…" Arnold mumbled.

"Restore?" Grandpa laughed, "Oh, short man we went far beyond the point of no return years ago… but I think we've reached a point of crazy equilibrium that we can all just live with. Not like Oskar, not sure how we've lived this long with that sad sack around."

Oskar grimaced. Insults and accusations from the other boarders hadn't phased him in years, as he'd just grown so accustomed to hearing them with the same frequency and casualness of discussing the weather. Something about all this talk about him now felt somehow personal.

"So they think I'm jut a parasite?" Oskar whined to himself, "I'll show them who is a parasite… I'm so mad I could just… I could just go to bed early…"

"That's right." Helga agreed, "So how about just leave this to the adults, Arnold? Save your little early Thanksgiving ideas for… well, for Thanksgiving."

"It was worth a try…" Arnold sighed.

"See, Suzie? This is what a harmoniously dysfunctional relationship looks like." Helga snickered.

"Helga…" Stella scolded.

"I mean, they can't all be as perfect as whatever weird juju you and Miles have going." Helga continued.

"Helga…" Arnold put in.

"Why does everybody keep 'Helga-ing' me tonight?" Helga asked. "Clearly Oskar's the real lowest common denominator around here for everyone to hate, not me!"

"Yes, it's true." Mr. Hyunh spoke up, "He is no good! And I think he stole rent money from my piggy bank!"

Oskar frowned to himself.

"I only borrowed a quarter of it…" he muttered quietly. "And I'm paying it back with interest! Well, no okay… but I am _interested_ in paying it back. That should count."

"See, Suzie?" Ernie said, "The guy needs you. He's like a lost little child."  
"What he needs is a good kick to his-" Grandpa tried to say.

"All right, enough!" Suzie shouted suddenly, "This is my business! All of you just- I know Oskar better than any of you and…"

"Oh come on, we only want what's best for-" Grandpa tried to say.

"No, you all want what's best for yourselves!" she cried, "You're all being just like him…"

"Ouch…" Ernie said, "Never really thought of it like that… ah, fine I'm sorry… it's only twenty bucks. I'll stay out of it."

"Yeah!" Grandpa said, but then sounded remorseful too, "Oh heck… you're right, it's not our business. You just do what's right for you then…"

"I will…" Suzie said, "I just wish I knew what that was."

"Seems pretty obvious." Grandpa said.

"No, you don't know how hard this is… loving someone who causes you so much pain…" Suzie sighed.

"Do too." Oskar heard Grandpa, Helga and even Arnold say in unison.

"She loves me…" Oskar said victoriously for a half second, "But I… cause her pain… wait, that's it!"

A partial epiphany came to Oskar at last.

"I just need to find a way to take away her pain… then she can focus all her energy on loving me again. Ah heh heh heh heh… now to figure out just what's causing her so much pain… I'd better think long and hard about that."

In the moment a more pressing issue gnawed at Oskar; his stomach was growling loud enough that it might give away his hiding spot around the corner from the other diners. Oskar was owed board along with the room he theoretically paid for at this boarding house, but he had no desire to enter into this dinning room of unfriendly faces for the time being. He'd have to just bide his time and wait for them to clear the room.

Oskar didn't enter into the kitchen until long after the others had retired to the lounge area, or off to their own personal accommodations of the boarding house. Once the coast was clear, he gathered a few remaining table scraps and piled them onto a plate that he rushed upstairs to room seven. When he reached the room he paused and looked at the number displayed on the door. Lucky number seven, the room he had lived in for most of his life in these United States. He had seen this room number as a good omen years ago, after first emigrating to this country and escaping his former Soviet Satellite of a homeland, he had learned to see every little thing in life as a blessing. Even the meager scraps of food on his plate that he'd pilfered from the kitchen he would have seen as a veritable feast back when he was a small boy in Czechoslovakia, scrounging for food wherever he could just to make it to the next day.

Of course, as he reflected he realized the biggest blessing he could have asked for or dreamt of was his marriage to Suzie. Oskar was an illiterate, penniless immigrant with no clear future in sight when he made his way to the states, and Suzie, while not from any affluent background was at least a hard working and loving person who saw something in him that no one else did. To Oskar, she really was the very embodiment of the American Dream, and he had found and attained that very dream that so many foreigners worked for and never achieved in their lifetimes.

Oskar listened through the walls, hoping to hear Suzie perhaps pining for him, but he heard nothing… safe for the occasional manic laughter of Grandma joined by that hellish girl Arnold now hung around; Oskar felt sorry for Arnold, the boy surely deserved better than that unspeakable Helga. Divorce papers were nothing to make light of, and Oskar felt he was doing no such thing, rather he was just remaining optimistic. Suzie had been waffling since she had arrived, and despite the direness of the situation, Oskar felt confident that he would charm her again as he always had in the past, and then they could return to their sporadically happy marriage.

He knew he just had to find the right thing to push Suzie over the edge and have her falling back into his waiting arms again. His idea of wanting to start a family may have been just a little desperate, and possibly repugnantly irresponsibly selfish of him, but in his heart Oskar felt it came from a sincere place. He had shown himself to possess the sort of responsible caring nature it took to raise kids once before, when push came to shove, and he had rather enjoyed the little bond he'd formed with Suzie's Cousin's baby. With a kid of his own, maybe he really could shape up to be the sort of successful person he never thought he could be?

All these ideas and questions exhausted Oskar's mind, and as he lay in bed gnawing on his dinner scraps, he found himself slowly drifting off to sleep.

The next thing Oskar knew, he found himself with a shovel in his hands and a hole in the dirt forming at his feet. With he world at his feet, and the right tool in his possession he knew just what to do. He had to dig. Digging was the industrious thing to do that any hard working man could be proud of. He dug, and dug and dug, deeper into the earth, until the hole grew around him. Before long the hole extended deep into the earth, with the walls of the empty shaft enclosed around him. Only a small ray of sunlight shone down into the cavernous hole where Oskar continued to dig deeper and deeper downwards.

"Look at me." he mused, "Look how hard I am working! This will show them all! I am not just a lazy slob! I don't even need most of my sick days for this! I will just keep digging and digging until-"  
"Oskar?" a soothing voice called out to him from above.

Oskar looked upward and thought he saw an angel, shimmering in the sunlight. As he squinted his eyes however it became clear that the figure in question was Suzie. Oh well, close enough, if not actually an angel.

"Not now, Suzie." Oskar called up to her, "See? I am digging… I am working hard to make a better life for both of us! If I just keep digging and digging eventually I'll find treasure or something…"

"You're digging too deep…" Suzie called down to him.

"What?" Oskar cried up at her.

"You're digging too deep, I can't reach you." she cried, "I can't pull you out!"

"Oh sure you can." Oskar dismissed her, "I will keep digging and digging, and you will be able to pull me out just like you always do."

"Oskar…" her voice began to fade away now.

Oskar looked upward, and in the small patch of sky above he realized Suzie had vanished.

"Suzie?" he called up.

"You've dug too deep…" her voice echoed downward, "I can't reach you anymore…"

"But Suzie…" Oskar whined, "Suzie?"

No response this time.

"Suzie!" He called up to the top of the hole he had dug, but only silence followed. Suzie had gone. When he looked back downward he realized his shovel had gone too. Now he found himself alone at the bottom of a deep cavernous hole he had dug for himself, with no lifeline and no means of digging his way out.

"She's gone…" Oskar whined, "She'll come back… she always does."

Oskar stared upwards at the tiny patch of blue sky far above him, and he waited. And waited. For what he couldn't distinguish between hours, days and weeks he just waited for Suzie to reappear, but she didn't.

"Oh great, I go to all the trouble of digging this hole and she can't be bothered to pull me out." Oskar huffed, "What a supportive spouse she is… maybe I'm better off being a self-reliant man who takes care of himself- HELP ME! HELP ME, PLEASE!"

Oskar shouted upward at a figure now staring down at him.

"Got the rent this time, Kokoshka?" the unfriendly voice of Grandpa shouted down at him.

"It's… somewhere down here… just give me some time to look!" Oskar whined.

"Ah, forget it." another voice appeared, and the diminutive shadow of Ernie appeared at Grandpa's side, "That bum's only good for making excuses, not for making his rent on time!"

"You are no good!" Mr. Hyunh joined in, "No good at all!"

"Oh come on, how can you say that to me my fellow immigrant good buddy?" Oskar asked.

"You are just embarrassment to all hard working immigrants in this country!" Mr. Hyunh countered.

"Okay, that's fair… but what about illegal immigrants? Do I embarrass them too?" Oskar asked. "After all, I'm living here legally at least! Unless that divorce goes through… then I might be in trouble…"

Suddenly from out of Oskar's pocket, a small green card flew out, sprouting wings as it rose up out of the hole towards the sky. Mr. Hyunh, Ernie and Grandpa all laughed heartily together and just walked away.

"Oh great…" Oskar whined, "What else could go wrong…"

Suddenly he felt dirt landing on his head. He looked up and saw the distinct silhouettes of Arnold and Helga now shoveling dirt down into the hole.

"You were right, Helga." Arnold said, "He was just using me… like he uses everyone. Thanks for helping me see that… you're so smart, and wise, and beautiful and-"

"Less groveling, more shoveling, football head." she responded, "I don't want so much as one single shred of evidence of that guy left on this green earth!"

"Why do you hate me, so?" Oskar cried out, "Oh, why do you hate me, terrifying ugly girl?"

"Because some of us actually had to work and make sacrifices to earn the kind of relationship we wanted!" Helga spat, "While bums like you just had everything you needed right in your hands, and you fumbled it!"

"Like a football?" Oskar asked, "Okay… careful you don't fumble the football head there…"

"You're hopeless." Helga huffed, "In fact, you're not even worth burying down there. You're already in too deep to get yourself out. See you in the funny papers, loser. C'mon Arnold. Let's go flaunt our clearly superior relationship…"

"Did someone say clearly superior relationship?" the voices of Miles and Stella asked as they too appeared above.

"Sure did." Helga confirmed, "Come on surrogate family, let's go get ice cream."

And with that, the family Shortman plus Helga departed, leaving Oskar at the bottom of his cold dark hole once again without a friend in the world. He never really understood why this Helga character seemed to have it in for him, at least any more than the others did, but now his usual defenses to his ego were beginning to break down leaving said ego exposed, and he feared he would shortly have to face some painful dose of the truth: people despised him, and he had given them little reason to feel any other way.

And now they were gone. Suzie, the boarders, even Arnold and his eternally humanitarian family had turned their backs on him. Not a person in the world would come to his aid now.

Not a person, but perhaps an angel? Oskar looked up again and saw a winged silhouette descending downwards towards him.

"Suzie…?" he asked, "Is it you…? You… you haven't given up on me! I knew it-"

When the figure became visible Oskar's heart sank. It wasn't Suzie, an angel or anything of the sort. It was someone or rather something he had seen earlier… only much bigger now.

"Who are you…?" Oskar asked the long-tailed winged being, "Are you… the Great Sky Rat?"

"Yes…" the giant winged rat affirmed. "Well… I don't know about 'great' but you can just call me Speedo."

"Speedo? But… how did you get wings? It's impossible!" Oskar protested.

"Through hard work and endless determination, and an unwillingness to look reality in the face, the impossible is only implausible." the Sky Rat said, "Everyone told me I couldn't, but I just kept trying and trying until I achieved my happiness. But look at you, lazy human. What have you done to earn your happiness?"

Oskar pondered, "I helped Suzie open the pickle jar when it was stuck… so she could make me a… well, there was the one time I thought the covers in bed were making her too hot so I took them all? Or the time that she was very upset, so I went to the racetrack and left her alone…"

"Take my paw…" Speedo said.

"Wait, is this going to be like that Christmas story about the old miser and the three ghosts who show him the error of his ways?" Oskar asked.

"Not really." Speedo said, "I'm only one rat with wings. But I will show you some things… they might help you see things differently."

"Okay, have you had your shots?" Oskar asked.

"Have you had yours?" Speedo countered.

"Touche." Oskar relented and took Speedo's paw.

And then with an otherworldly force, Oskar felt himself lifted upwards. With his hand clasped firmly on Speedo's paw, the two of them sailed upward until the flew out of the hole Oskar had dug and up into the sky. As he looked out across the horizon, he could see further than he had in a very long time. The world now looked so vast and explorable to him it filled him with a renewed sense of hope and wonderment, the kind he hadn't felt since he had been a young man first entering into the fabled United States.

"It's like a whole new world…" Oskar mused, "Should we sing about it?"

"I'd prefer if you didn't…" Speedo said discouragingly.

"Why not?" Oskar asked, "I have a very nice singing voice- oh right, Disney… lawsuit. Good thinking. Never mind."

"Right… that's why…" Speedo sighed, as the two of them continued to soar across the sky, joined by an airborne congregation of white doves.

"So… what are you? Why are you helping me?" Oskar asked.

"I am the potential that lives in all of us to achieve the impossible." Speedo said proudly.

Oskar looked to his left and somehow recognized one of them as Arnold's pigeon Esther.

"And what about her? What are you supposed to be?" he asked her.

"The spirit of discarded irrelevant metaphors." she answered.

"Um… okay, what are you doing here then?" Oskar asked.

"It doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. And now discarded." Esther said as she flew off and out of sight.

"This is getting too confusing for me to follow…" Oskar whined, "Why can't I just live in a normal city…"

"You did once, if you remember." Speedo said, as the two of them began to descend downward, "At least… normal for what your young mind once understood. Before you broadened your horizons…"

Through clouds and mist, the two of them dove downwards back towards the earth, and when they reached the ground again, Oskar found himself in a familiar setting.

"Why… it's my old school!" he said, pointing at the tiny dilapidated building surrounded by factories with their smokestacks billowing black smoke into the air. "I am… back in the old country…" he sighed sentimentally.

"You miss your home?" Speedo asked.

"No… I don't like to be reminded of this dump…" Oskar said, "Why are we here?"

Speedo pointed over to a line of children being handed small papers by a rather dour looking man. Among them stood a young boy with a thick beard; there stood little Oskar, receiving his diploma from his tiny little school.

"There you are, graduating eight grade as fourteenth in your class of fourteen." Speedo said.

"Hey, I didn't have a beard at that age!" Oskar said, "And I wasn't balding either…"

"Oh." Speedo waved his paw, and both attributes vanished from the boy, "I'm not all-knowing… I only have what you look like now to go on for this vision…"

"You're a lousy guardian angel, you know that?" Oskar said. "Times were tough… I did the best I could. What's your excuse?"

Before the rat could defend himself, the two of them heard Oskar's teacher droning words of non-encouragement to his graduating class.

"Congratulations… you were all passable enough, I guess. Now go out into the world, work in the factory for ten to twenty years and then… die or something. Whatever." he said in a whiny voice similar to Oskar's. Without another word he just walked back inside of the school and slammed the door behind him, leaving the graduating schoolchildren out in the cold dark world.

"But you didn't take his advice." Speedo said.

"Are you kidding? Work in the factory?" Oskar shuddered, "I decided to get as far away from working there as possible…"

"And that was when you heard… the song…" Speedo said.

"I thought you said you weren't all-knowing?" Oskar said in confusion.

"Just partially knowing…" Speedo shrugged. "But you heard that song, while passing that music store… a song from a faraway land that told of an impossible dream…"

"Yes…" Oskar fawned over the memory, "To dream the impossible dream… I knew when I heard that song that I had leave… to do whatever it took to make my way to the land of the home and the free of the brave…"

With another wave of his paw, Speedo changed the setting around them as they jumped forward in time. Oskar saw himself as a young man arriving on the shores of the United States. He didn't manage to book passage or anything, and arrived instead by his own makeshift rig that crashed upon the rocky shores. He saw himself falling on his knees and lowing his head down to the ground.

"There you are… kissing the sweet shores of freedom." Speedo indicated.

"No… I saw a dime." Oskar remembered, as he watched his younger self pick up some loose change on the beach, "I vowed that moment that I would find more dimes, until I had enough to buy my own sandwich!"

"You had a dream… and from there you managed to pull yourself out of the deep dark abyss until at last you found… her." Speedo said.

"Yes… I will never forget the first time I met Suzie… well, actually no I can't remember it at all, but I do remember that she found me charming… and before either of us knew what had happened we were married and off to live happily ever after…"

"And therein lay the problem…" Speedo said, "You thought your fairy tale had come true… you had obtained the American Dream… or the impossible dream. From then on you never thought you'd have to work another day, did you?"

"Okay, sure. Something like that." Oskar sighed, "Well, good thing I had you here to clarify everything for me before it was too…"

Oskar suddenly found himself hovering over the deep hole he had been digging earlier. Speedo looked at him with sad empty eyes and Oskar felt his remaining optimism rapidly vanishing.

"So… I'll always be okay as long as I have you to pull me out of this hole?" Oskar asked.

"Yes." The Sky Rat said, "Just remember one important thing… I don't exist. When you wake up from this, you're on your own again."

"Wait, so all that stuff you said about hard work and determination isn't even worth a-"

And abruptly Oskar found himself falling back down into the cavernous abyss of his own making.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Oskar cried out as he fell deeper and deeper down.

Expecting he would soon sharply connect with the bottom, Oskar could do little more than close his eyes as he awaited the inevitable. Faster and faster he could feel himself falling downward, until suddenly he felt a soft but firm grip on his wrist. This wasn't the touch of the Sky Rat, no this was a firm but loving grip he had felt before.

"Matka?" Oskar asked as he slowly opened his eyes.

"No…" another woman's familiar voice said soothingly.

"Suzie…" Oskar cooed as he opened his eyes and saw the glowing angelic image of the woman he loved. Her entire being was glowing with an ethereal radiance and like Speedo she too sported a pair of white feathery wings.

He stared into her eyes, the same two loving eyes that had saved him long ago, only now he saw something else in them; after so many years they didn't appear youthful or hopeful anymore, but filled with insurmountable sadness.

"Suzie, what is it?" Oskar asked.

"Oh, just that we're… down here at the bottom of this hole." Suzie sighed.

"Hey, no big deal." Oskar said, "You can just fly us out of here, my angel. You're a much better guardian angel than that rat…"

Suzie stretched out her wings and tried to do just that, but her efforts were useless as she couldn't lift herself and Oskar upwards.

"Just flap harder?" Oskar suggested.

Suzie flapped her wings so hard that the feathers fell off in droves, until her two wings just drooped in sorrow, unable to lift the two of them out of the deep dark hole.

"I'm sorry Oskar… I can't…" she sighed, "Not anymore… I'm just too exhausted…"

"But how will I get out of this hole I have dug?" Oskar asked, "Without you to pull me out?"

Suzie suddenly crumpled to the ground and Oskar reacted in shock.

"Suzie! Are you alright?" he wailed, "Let me help you up…"

He offered a hand and helped her to her feet again. As he did, he could feel the ground beneath him beginning to lower even deeper into the earth.

"We're sinking…" Suzie said, "There's no way out now…"

Oskar looked at her with hopeless eyes, then as he looked up at the small patch of blue sky above and back to his despairing wife he clenched his fists.

"Maybe not for me… but… but maybe you can still make it." he said.

"Oskar?" she asked.

"Go on… maybe your wings can't lift us both… but I bet they can still lift you. Trust me, I'm a betting man, as you know…" Oskar urged.

"You… want me to leave you behind?" she asked.

"There's no other choice…" Oskar said, "I have dug this hole for myself… you shouldn't have to go down with me… not anymore…"

Suzie looked at him searchingly, but then without another word between them she spread her wings and began to soar slowly but surely upward as Oskar felt himself sinking downwards again. Up and up she ascended towards the sky, and Oskar kept watching until everything around him went dark.

With a startled gasp, Oskar rose from his bed and glanced around the dingy room he called home at the Sunset Arms once again.

It had all been a dream. Sure, the winged rat and even the winged Suzie should have tipped him off, but it had all felt so real even amidst the fantastical elements. Gradually returning to reality, Oskar pondered everything he had just gone through in his own subconscious and tried to make some sense out of it. He didn't have to try hard, to his relief, but this also made him sad as the painful realization of what had to be done came over him.

"She gave everything she had just for me… and I just threw it all away… and kept dragging her down with me." Oskar whined, "I think I know now… how to take her pain away… and let her fly free... like Arnold's pigeon? Or something? Am I close?"

He asked, expecting for some divine all-knowing voice to answer. No such voice answered him, and he found himself having to take care of this debacle himself.

* * *

**Thank you, Kryten for your earlier commentary 'Dig up, Oskar. UP.' Helped me think up that dream sequence… **

**More 'The Room' parallels abound! I highly recommend 'The Disaster Artist,' not the movie but the book on which it's based which gives a deep and fascinating insight into Tommy Wiseau. It doesn't explicitly tell his backstory but it hints at it, and the man gives several wild, contradictory possible backstories for himself, but ones of him living in some vague Soviet controlled eastern European country did help me think up just a little hint of Oskar's troubled background here. **

**I always found Oskar's laziness kind of strange… I may be generalizing, but I imagined a guy who'd gotten out of the Soviet Bloc would have been more of a work ethic for all he'd probably been through. Maybe he thought he'd died and went to heaven when he got to the states and married Suzie… and then thought he'd never have to work a day in his life as a result. Who knows? **

**I apologize if I offended any Czechs with this chapter… I tried not to swing into full on Borat levels of humor with it… I was just trying to win Oskar a LITTLE sympathy with his rough background.**

**Up next… Oskar tries to commit an act of true love…**


	7. Oskar's True Love

**Reviewer Responses**

**Kryten: Obscure but hey, at least Party Wagon got made… somewhat. A little bit. And I think I get why it didn't fly… it was a little overtly adult themed for a kids show, but not adult enough for Adult Swim. Yeah, makes me want to have Gerald make some reference to it by way of an old urban legend or something… bring El Glitterado into it or something… maybe some reference to the Patakis being descended from Ornery Sue.**

**EnvytheSkunk: Haha, I'm glad someone caught that... yeah, I started the story wanting to make something out of Arnold's pigeon fixation relating to Oskar... and it wasn't really working, and then the whole Sky Rat thing came to me but I had to do something with Esther so... it's all about nihilism. Nothing means anything, kids! ;)**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: Glad you think so too. :)**

**starwater09: Why, thank you. Self-awareness just seems to be what redeems people in HA!, be it Oskar, Helga, or even Big Bob. Everyone progresses slowly throughout the series… it's just a question of when is progress too little too late…**

**I meant to get this out for October 7th (The HA! Anniversary), and do a little one shot story called 'Arnold's Birthday' with Miles and Stella celebrating his 11th birthday… but they would of course have only two candles on the cake cuz in their minds it's only his second birthday XD **

**My own birthday is October 6th so I wanted to write it either for that or the HA! anniversary but oh well. Meh, someday I'll write it. Kinda cute.**

**Oh and one quick real life story I forgot to include in the last chapter… years and years ago when I was in high school, someone crashed a sailboat on the shores of Lake Michigan on the Milwaukee coast. The boat remained stuck on the rocks for me to see every time I drove past it. I eventually learned how it got there: it had been purchased by a man with no sailing experience who had a dream of teaching himself to sail on Lake Michigan and then sailing across the Atlantic to see his girlfriend… the man also happened to be Czech and as soon as I heard that Oskar was what I envisioned… of course, such a grandiose and romantic idea (decision of grandeur) like that is way more effort than Oskar would ever do… still, it was just such a sad and pathetic little story it made me think of him.**

* * *

Chapter 7: Oskar's True Love

Suzie awoke the next morning to the low hum of city traffic surrounding the boarding house. She'd nearly forgotten the feeling of waking up within these humble walls she once called home, and yet after all the time she'd spent away now it felt as if nothing had changed. All but for one major difference; she awoke alone without Oskar at her side. Then again, as she thought about it she frequently kicked them man out of bed, or gave up on his snoring and cover hogging, and had gone and found a couch or something to sleep on herself, so really not much had changed at all.

Living with her cousin had been undeniably more peaceful, even with a loud little toddler in the house; Oskar the younger still paled in comparison to the sort of loud disruptions adult Oskar often brought with him on top of the other boarders and their constant antics. Her husband's loud antics around the house were among the least of his sins in her eyes of course. If Oskar wasn't loafing around refusing to earn money to help pay the bills he would be off at the horse races trying and most often failing to raise the cash. On occasion he'd even run afoul of the sort of money lenders who responded to broken promises by breaking legs, but as a consummate weasel Oskar had just wriggled out of being in deep with Vinnie "Loose-fist" Luciano for fifty large. Suzie knew she _had _ to give up on a man who had been not only inconsiderate and a non-provider to an almost cartoonish level, but also the sort who got himself, and her by association in that level of danger.

And yet… he possessed the talent and resourcefulness to always somehow get out of trouble…

Suzie shook her head furiously. That same horrible feeling of indecision returned again. She had come here with the resolve to end her dysfunctional and quite toxic marriage, and still after all this time Oskar managed to charm her in ways even she couldn't explain. Even after everything he had pulled the day before, Suzie couldn't say with any confidence that she actually could finally pull the trigger on their marriage. She had left the ball in Oskar's court, and of course with her being his meal ticket for the better part of his adult life she knew he'd be difficult to sway, but she hadn't counted on just how hard it would be for her too.

In spite of all he'd put her through, and all the years she felt he had taken from her she still felt her heart beating for him as much as she tried to put him out of her mind. As Suzie reflected, she thought Arnold's friend Helga hand't been wrong suggesting she lived on the 'corner of low self-esteem and co-dependence' to still be considering staying with Oskar. She had enough self-awareness to realize those sort of unfortunate feelings played into this, but at the bottom of her heart she knew that no matter what some small part of her would always sincerely care for Oskar.

Still, she had made her position clear to him if not to herself, she wouldn't leave until he signed the divorce papers. Even that plan sounded counter intuitive she realized. Oskar may as well just carry on like this forever, with their marriage just on the brink of falling off a cliff but never quite leaning far enough forward. If he kept this up she could just be stuck here indefinitely, and with her fond memories for some of her other neighbors and surrogate family of sorts that seemed like a possible outcome.

The man would never change, not matter how much she unwillingly believed he could.

She sniffed the air. The hour was still early, and far earlier than breakfast was normally served around here, but she figured with Miles and Stella running things food might be served earlier now. Suzie continually mulled all this over as she readied herself for the uncertain day ahead. When she at last descended the stairs, guided down by the smell of breakfast she hoped once again she wasn't going to be intruding as she technically wasn't a renter here anymore. Breakfast didn't smell terribly appetizing, with the smell of smoke filling her senses she remembered that Phil and Gertie's cooking was hit or miss.

To her shock when she entered the dinning room she didn't see either of them, nor any of the other boarders but someone else she had rarely seen out of bed before nine in the morning in all the years she'd lived here.

"Oskar?" she asked in surprise.

"Good morning Suzie…" Oskar said in his eternally whiny voice, that both infuriated and charmed her at the same time.

Suzie looked him over. Oskar always looked and sounded a little tired at any given hour of the day, but that was normally attributable to laziness. The man who stood before her had gotten himself out of bed and valiantly attempted to cook breakfast at an early hour. 'Attempted' being the opportune word, as both the bacon and eggs, or she assumed that's what they had been, had all been burned beyond recognition.

Despite the poor effort, the fact that Oskar had made some honest effort at all to do something for someone moved Suzie's heart; a feeling she immediately had to shut down the moment it started in her.

"I made breakfast just for you…" Oskar said, "It's a little well done and overly crispy but…"

"Is this where I'm supposed to be impressed that you did something for me?" she groaned.

"If you want, sure. It's a free country." Oskar grinned momentarily, but then he frowned again, "No… I made you breakfast but that's just the start. Today will be a bright new beginning…"

After everything he had pulled yesterday, Suzie naturally didn't feel excited or even the slightest bit enthused at what he had planned today. Fighting back against her instinct to be charmed by him again she just shook her head.

"I just don't believe in any bright new beginnings as long as we're-"

"But Suzie, I…" Oskar interrupted, "I want you to know… how sorry I am for everything…"

As he spoke, a small congregation of gawkers started to silently appear in the doorway. First Grandpa appeared, and looked on with quiet interest. He was then joined by Ernie who opened his mouth to goad Oskar, but stopped himself. Mr. Hynuh too appeared and looked as if he wanted to voice his usual disapproval of Oskar, but the three of them just silently watched, unnoticed by Oskar or Suzie. The two of them were completely in their own world at the moment.

"Ever since I met you… since you pulled me out of the gutter and into a world I only ever dreamt of… I've done nothing." Oskar said, his tone heavy with remorse, "I thought my dream had come true, and the fight was over for me so I'd never have to try again…"

"Oskar, what are you talking about?" Suzie groaned.

"My dream… my quest…" Oskar said loftily.

"Quest?" Suzie almost laughed, "What are you talking about now?"

"Seriously…" Grandpa muttered quietly, "Pookie usually makes more sense…"

"The impossible dream…" Oskar sighed, "My dream to come here to this country and make it… I thought I made it… but really I just gave up. To live my impossible dream… I cost you all of your dreams."

Suzie just blinked in bewilderment.

"Oskar… what are you-?"

"Suzie… I love you." Oskar said, "And I think I probably always will. And that is why…"

He paused and looked down at his feet. Then he stepped over to the table he had set, scrapped the burnt eggs off the frying pan in his hand onto two burned slices of bread a plate, and sighed in resignation.

"It's a breakfast sandwich… I made you a sandwich." he said. "Can you believe that?"

That was a first, for certain. The shoe was on the other foot now, but it couldn't possibly stay on it for long. Suzie sighed, but then she noticed that next to the plate their rested not a napkin, but something else.

"I have something else for you… something you want more than anything in the world…" Oskar said, sounding whiney as always but also genuinely and sincerely sad. He normally used his whiney tone to get her to feel sorry for him and get his way, but this time nothing about it sounded like an act. Oskar smiled at Suzie as his typically pleading eyes showed only remorse but also adoration.

"Before I give it to you let me just say something from the heart… only for real this time." Oskar cleared his throat, "Maybe life with me wasn't what you wanted… but you saved me from an even worse life. You just couldn't save me from myself… but maybe I can still save you from myself…"

"Oskar?" Suzie asked again.

"I love you…" he restated, "And so I have to give you the thing in the world you want most… a new beginning."

Suzie looked at the papers facing down on the table. Slowly she walked towards the table and tentatively picked up the packet. They were the divorce papers she had brought with her and tried to force Oskar to sign. Slowly, she started paging through until she came to the end where the once empty line had a messy little scribble of a signature, and one that could only belong to one man.

"I love you. So I have to let you go…" Oskar said, "It is over, Suzie… you are free now…"

Suzie just stared in disbelief at the document in her hands. With all of Oskar's talk of impossible dreams, she realized as it became a reality that this scenario was the most impossible one of all; a goal she'd set her sights on and tried to resolve to see through, but never really believed it would happen in the end.

"Well, I'm starved, what's on the breakfast burner?." the brash voice of Helga suddenly broke in as the girl pushed past Ernie and Mr. Hyunh, "What're you clowns gawking at- oh… bad timing…"

Helga saw the scene unfolding in the kitchen and abruptly stepped backwards out the way she came to join the line of the other boarders. Not one of the older men among them said a word and just looked on, all of them unexpectedly moved by what Oskar had done. As Helga watched eagerly, Grandpa and the two boarders, started to back away in silence. As they went, Ernie silently slipped Grandpa the twenty dollar bill he had just officially lost in their bet, but Grandpa, with a sigh declined it. The three of them walked away, unexpectedly saddened and sobered by the turn of events. Helga watched them leave and scratched her head.

"What's wrong with them?" she asked herself, "They're gonna miss the show here…"

Neither Suzie or Oskar took notice of the prying girl wringing her hands in fiendish delight. Both of them kept their attention firmly fixed on one another as if no one else in the boarding house existed. Suzie, who had looked like a deer in the headlights up until this moment suddenly shook her head and stomped towards Oskar. Placing her hands on her hips she glared at him.

"All right, what are you up to now?" Suzie snarled, "What's your angle this time?"

"I have no angle… I am just trying to do right by you for once…" Oskar sighed.

"You're just doing this to trick me…" Suzie accused.

"No, it's no trick… scout's honor." Oskar insisted.

"You're using reverse psychology, I know it!"

"Using reverse psychology? I don't even know how to use the regular kind…"

"You're just doing what you did the first time we broke up!" Suzie said, sounding slightly hysterical, "You're waiting for me to take this like some sign that you care about me! You're still trying to just keep me around here indefinitely!"  
"By… divorcing you?" Oskar asked confusedly, "Hey… that's not a bad idea, maybe…" Oskar stopped himself, "No… no I really mean it this time. I'm not going to just lure you back in by making you feel sorry for me… I really do care about you, Suzie. And that's why I have to let you go… you should be free. Free to follow your dreams…"

Helga had been watching their entire exchange from the doorway, and all the while her devious grin had slowly melted away. She didn't want to admit it to herself but… she actually believed Oskar's sincerity.

"I had a dream of my own…" Oskar said, "A flying rat showed me the error of my ways."

"Huh?" Suzie and Helga both said together.

Oskar finally turned to Helga and frowned, "Will you just leave me alone?" he howled.

Helga instinctively scowled back defiantly and stood her ground. Suddenly however she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder that pacified her instantly.

"Oh… Arnold…" she sighed dreamily, and placed her hand on the one atop her shoulder, "I would know thy loving touch anywhere… good morning my love… let's go somewhere far from this seething cauldron of angst where we may find our own-"  
"Helga?" Stella's voice came from behind her.

To her horror Helga whirled around and saw not Arnold, but his mother standing behind her.

"GAH!" Helga shrieked.

"I think we should all just give those two a little space…" Stella said, trying to repress an amused smile.

"Space? Oh yeah, space is great! Space, space, I'm the best at space!" Helga sputtered hysterically in her embarrassment, "Don't mind me, I'll just be off lost in space somewhere! Bye now!"

Helga dashed back up the stairs as Stella looked back towards the kitchen. Sighing heavily, she too knew Oskar and Suzie didn't need her interfering either, and so she quietly slipped away.

Back in the kitchen, Suzie still refused to accept that the reality she had been fighting for had actually arrived. Oskar meanwhile continued to talk about his dream.

"The rat… it was like my guardian angel or something…" Oskar explained.

"Your guardian angel would be a rat… did it show you what life would've been like for everyone if you'd never been born?" Suzie asked scornfully.

"No… but I imagine the world would have been better for it- no… no I'm not going to look for pity from you." Oskar insisted.

"And yet all your talk about dreams? How they've made you a changed man overnight?" Suzie scoffed, "Now this… this all feels like a dream…"

"Yes, it does…" Oskar agreed, "The impossible dream… I cost you all of your dreams so I could just live in my little dream world…" and then he reflexively started singing again, "To dreeeeam the impossible dreeeeam…"

"Oskar…" "Suzie clasped her hands together and looked unexpectedly moved, "That's… that's our song, Oskar…"

"It is? I thought it was mine?" Oskar scratched his head.

"Oh Oskar… you do care about me…" Suzie said as she began to cry half in joy and half in sorrow.

"Please Suzie…" Oskar pleaded, "Don't do it again… even if I am doing what's best for you… I still don't deserve you… and so I must go. Go and take care of someone else… someone who deserves it."

"You?" Suzie asked, "But you still live here… I'm the one who has to-"

"Oh, right…" Oskar said, "Then I will just go out for the day… go out and find myself. For real this time."

Suzie stared at Oskar. Her anger had evaporated, leaving her with nothing but confusion and despair in its stead. She had never seen Oskar so resolute about anything, and she just didn't know how to react to this side of him. Still plagued by her unshakable desire to take care of him however, she pressed on, feeling unable to finally let him go now that she had so unexpectedly achieved her goal.

"But Oskar… you… you'll need help…" Suzie said pleadingly.

Oskar looked at her, and then at his feet.

"Well Suzie, sometimes the best way to help someone… is to not help them…" he said sadly echoing what Arnold said to him the day before. "Just don't offer me any money, I don't know if I can resist it this time… I am not made of stone… if I stick around I'll go back on this and just let you forgive me again… I can't do that to you again. I will just go out on the town while you pack up and leave… go home Suzie… you deserve better than this life."

Then with a heavy sigh, Oskar walked past her and out of the dinning room towards the foyer of the boarding house.

"Oskar?" Suzie called after him, feeling unable to move.

Oskar reached down to pick up a black case he had apparently planted by the door earlier.

"Oskar, wait…" Suzie said as she cautiously stepped towards him.

"I'm sorry I never did any of this right…" Oskar said, "I was lucky to have you in my life for a while… just think what your future could be now."

"Oskar… you don't have to do this." Suzie pleaded, "You've made your point! It's mostly been awful but… there were the good moments too! You don't… have to…"  
"I do have to… because you're just confused." Oskar said, "If we go on like this forever then I will have to live with your unhappiness… and knowing I am the reason for it. I love you… more than I love myself. You're not second place anymore… you are first place. You won… don't throw it away. It is my last gift to you… an act of true love."

Oskar took a long look at Suzie, as if trying to take in as much of her as his eyes could, suggesting this could well be the last time her ever saw her. Then, with only his small black case in hand Oskar turned and walked out of the door, down the steps and off into the gradually awakening city. Suzie stood in the doorway, still clutching the papers in her hands. Oskar didn't turn back and she didn't call after him. Her eyes drifted down to the divorce papers and she found her mind going numb. When she looked back up again, Oskar was gone.

As Suzie watched from below, Arnold too watched from above. With the height advantage on the roof he could still see Oskar heading off into the distance. He could feel his heavy heart sinking, yet it also felt strangely light and floaty at the same time, as if he could feel some sense of hope for both Suzie and Oskar now that they had made their painful decisions at long last. Sitting atop his shoulder was his faithful pigeon Esther, who looked up at a passing flock of pigeons, and then with a beating of her wings took off after them. Arnold watched her go and sighed with a small smile crossing his face.

"About time." he heard Helga say as she appeared behind him.

He turned to face her. Her snarky tone was not matched by her face, which only exuded deep sadness framed by her signature brow arching uncharacteristically upward.

"There's a time to let things go." Arnold said, "Especially if you care about them… you have to want what's best for them."

Helga nodded silently as she tiptoed towards the barrier where Arnold stood. She looked off into the distance where the sun was steadily rising over the Hillwood skyline, opening a new day of possibilities.

"Just don't you go anywhere…" Helga sobbed abruptly as she wrapped her arms around Arnold. "I'm not ready to let you go just yet…"

The boy just stood still, allowing Helga to just have her emotional outburst. Helga had continually tried to appear invincibly strong and void of feelings throughout her stay here at the boarding house, away from her troubled home life. Arnold knew better; Helga had an emotional depth he doubted he'd ever see the bottom of, and so he could only try to do what little he could to console her in these times. She hadn't said anything, but he just surmised that Oskar and Suzie's issues had just stirred feelings in her about her own parents, but he didn't feel the need to say anything. He just smiled and wrapped his arm around her, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. She placed her hand on his and suddenly she snickered through her sobs.

"You have your mother's skin, you know that?" Helga sniffled.

"Huh?" Arnold responded. That was an odd thing to say, even for Helga.

The day passed by just like every day before it and all that would follow, and far from the Sunset arms Oskar now stood alone on a dark street corner. He had wandered aimlessly for most of the day and found himself not lost exactly, but disoriented. He stood at the top of the stairs leading down to the subway. The sunlight had begun to wane and the pinkish glow of the sunset began to cover the brown brick buildings around him. For a moment Oskar considered returning home, but he still feared Suzie might be waiting for him. He meant every word he had said to her. He felt true unconditional love for her and wanted what was best for her. He had spent the day just aimlessly wandering the streets, passing couples holding hands, many of them with children of their own, living the sort of lives he had denied Suzie by dragging her down with him. He felt some small sense of consolation knowing she was now free to pursue the sort of life she once envisioned for herself, except now where did that leave him?

Oskar knew he was still several months behind on his rent, and the generosity of Miles and Stella couldn't last forever. With Suzie now truly gone from his life, he had to begin again and find it within himself to make it in the world on his own. Glancing at the case in his hand, he carefully opened it, revealing a brass wind instrument. He carefully assembled his saxophone, which represented yet another impossible dream of his. He was self-taught, without having taken a single lesson in all the years he'd played the thing… and it showed. He knew the basics fundamentals and mechanics of how to blow a sax and hit just over half of the notes he meant to with some shred of accuracy, and that was always enough to send any potential audiences running.

Apart from his total lack of skill with the instrument despite all his practice, Oskar had long lacked the sort of critical element any musician needed for their craft: a song in his heart. He could still feel his heart beat for Suzie, even though he hoped she would go as far from him as possible for her own good. Ironically he felt more strongly about his love for her than he had in all the years he had been with her. Standing at the entrance to the subway, Oskar set down his case and held up his instrument. As he closed his eyes, he felt the spirit of music welling up inside begging to be set free, and he blew into his saxophone.

A bluesy cover of 'Impossible Dream' filled the night scene, and echoing down into the subway below. After hitting a few sour notes, somehow Oskar's muse guided him to create a stirring and rousing tune. Passersby began to stop and look for a few moments before continuing onward, yet many of them appeared moved by what they heard. Oskar had never truly connected with the music he played before, and yet with everything he had just experienced he had found his muse at last, and now he hoped it could guide him to reach that unattainable star in the sky he had once followed, long ago as a small boy in the Soviet Bloch looking for a future. As the sound of jazz poured from his soul, far across the city, his music fell on a pair of ears, bringing sadness and warmth to their heart.

The End

* * *

**A/N**

**And Oskar plays us off with the sax solo in 'Groove Remote' from the episode 'Field Trip.' Perhaps I'll have him start a music career next… wish I'd remembered he played the sax earlier, I'd have made it more of a plot device. **

**A line I wanted to use but decided it was a step too far… Helga tries to talk Suzie into going through with the divorce and Oskar suggests to Suzie they have kids, then after that fails Oskar says to Helga, "You are the best kind of birth control in the world, you know that?" XD**

**Arun Mehta's annual Craig Bartlett radio interview aired earlier this week, and not one but TWO of the questions I sent in were asked and answered! :D One of them might have been a popular question a lot of people asked… but one of them was my question verbatim… winning.**

**I was a little saddened at the end as they kind of teased like they were going to announce an actual season six right there on the show this time… but alas we still have no news on that. Craig did disclose he's working on SOMETHING HA! related for Nick, but it's not season 6… still, one must wonder what that could be.**

**It's funny, a big reason I started writing this whole season 6 imagining was to both cope with the fact that we'll likely never get a real one… and to tempt fate so if I wrote a bunch of stories, got emotionally invested in them, then we'd suddenly get the real thing rendering all my stories null and void… … … but we'd have an actual season 6 so win win! XD**

**Good news: Craig is still continually pitching season 6 to Nick. Bad news: season 6 seems to be hinging on whether this Rugrats revival does well… which feels like a lose lose situation because it's all CGI and I fear if it fails, then probably no season 6, and if it succeeds… season 6 will be completely retooled and done all in CGI… that's just me wildly speculating based on what they said but…for now I think I'm content with season 6 existing in facfiction.**

**Craig did actually confirm a few things that I guessed at in my stories are canon though, I guess! The security guard at the aquarium survived his shark attack and quit his job (didn't say he went to work at the zoo though…), he talked about Helga trying to pretend she and Arnold aren't a thing even though everyone knows, her grandparents… and he figures her grandmother would be just like her, Arnold urging the others not to take part in Trash Can Day during their fifth grade year, Wolfgang eventually being humbled and trying to be friends with Arnold, and… I think there was something else but I forget now. **

**He also went into deeper detail about that reunion and reconciliation scene cut from TJM, which is always really interesting… now I might do an updated version of that scene in my 'Memories Lost in the Jungle.'**

**Well, on to continuing 'The Big Pataki'… oh, that's another question Craig got; on whether Bob and Miriam would stay together. Craig views them as a work in progress, who despite being bad parents would slowly start to find themselves, solider on through their disfunction and eventually reach a happier place. **


End file.
